Musings of A New Servant
by Beryl Bloodstone
Summary: Spin off of MOANG. Join in on the ramblings of the pervy baker as she plots to conquer our favorite demon. She stops at nothing until she could have that ass! Could she be Grell's competition? Includes molested Sebastian, aggravated Grell,& sexy time?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!**

**A/N: Hey, guys! I've decided to take a break from Responsibilities, but that doesn't mean it's not going to be finished! So sit tight!**

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><p><strong>I. The Pervy OC, Ultimate Rapeface<strong>

In a grand manor in the outskirts of London, England, there conversed two people, one original character and one canon character. Because they're actually going to be of importance in this story's plot, it would help if you could follow their dialogue carefully. They were both talking in a room designed vaguely like the original character's birthplace. There was a painting of Alois Trancy and Claude Faustus of the Black Butler II series on a light pink wall positioned to the left of the slightly worn oak desk situated in front of window, where the aspiring writer created "Musings of A New Girl" which you should totally read if you haven't. It was the creator's pride and joy, nearly three weeks of mental swearing and jacking up Claude's hair. She was totally going to give it to J. Michael Tatum or Nana Mizuki, if the Japanese seiyu decided to come to America.

But that's besides the point.

Behind the desk was Ophelia Cornelius, known as Lady Aubergine in this era. Awarded "Best OC Ever" by the MOANGFA (Musings of a New Girl Fangirl Association), this original character was considered famous by the other new characters that were lingering in late eighteen-hundreds England in hopes of being employed in the role of the baker in "Musings of A New Servant" and officially becoming successor to her.

It was Ophelia's duty to pick the appropriate person for her boss's newest creation. Hence the ornamental sign displayed across the manor.

_**Now Holding Auditions for "Musings of A New Servant"**_

_**(No Mary Sues Allowed!)**_

Hundreds of females (some even male) swarmed to the manor, ages ranging from twelve to twelve years from death. Some were decent and most were horrible. This irked Ophelia and she was well-known for her imaginative mind, so when she started to space out more than normal, she was praying that these next couple of paragraphs would soon introduce the person she was looking for.

"Grell, could you get the next person? Beryl's gonna have to kiss my ass if she thinks I'm gonna go through another hundred candidates," the black-haired girl proclaimed, taking off her purple hat and fixing her mussed hair.

Grell Sutcliff was the red-headed transsexual grim reaper and if it weren't for the Kuroshitsuji series (or the craziness that was considered normal in anime), that sentence wouldn't have made sense to you. This Grell was the Grell that actually existed in this era, not the one who attached so easily to Ophelia in "Musing of a New Girl." However, after he returned to the Shinigami realm, Ronald Knox told him to check out this story he found on this fanfiction site and fell in love with her…again. And this is where we get off topic, a bit.

Grell spread the word about it to Elizabeth Ren, a silly Supervisor Shinigami, who shared the news to Victoria Perez. She was a Supervisor Shinigami, as well, though not so into play during work, but all she needed to know was that her crush, William T. Spears, would be in the humorous story. She enjoyed the thought of her superior being a gym teacher and didn't mind if he gave _her _a little workout. Just as she was immersed into it (nosebleeds and all), she was interrupted by the stern Shinigami himself.

William was shocked to know that one of the Shinigami Realm's most efficient workers would allow herself to be distracted by such childish drivel…then he read it himself. By the time he read the seventh chapter, he face-palmed himself into a coma at the way he was portrayed. Once he came back, he searched everyone's computers, punishing those who had a account with extra paperwork. For anyone who had that story under their favorites…were escorted to the gym for one vigorous workout.

Back to the story at hand.

"I don't why _you _can't do the part yourself, Ollie," commented Grell, sporting his "useless butler" look.

"Have you read the plot, Ginger?" Ophelia retorted, passing him the paper that listed the summarized events of the story.

" 'A lecher servant searches for work in hopes of reimbursing his/her father for an embarrassing event that shamed his/her family. Their family's benefactor, Ophelia Cornelius, refers the servant to Phantomhive Manor, where he/she meets the demonic butler, Sebastian Michaelis, who he/she plans to ravish, no matter what the cost,'" he read, growing more displeased by the second.

"Something tells me that I won't like this character much. I don't need any competition!"

Suddenly, a girl with brown eyes and teased black hair came out of the floor. She wore a tee-shirt that had the words "The Original Boss" on it and black shorts. Ophelia blanched.

"Yes, you do. Besides, you didn't have a rival for Sebastian's affections!" the brown-skinned authoress argued. "Speaking of…did you find one?"

"Uh…no?" the maroon-eyed OC squeaked, getting away from behind the desk. She moved to Grell's back, afraid of her "mother's" wrath.

"What's going on, then? You know I can't keep my readers waiting. How the hell am I gonna do that without a main character?"

The redhead-turned-brunet rose a brown eyebrow at the girl making demands of his Ollie.

"Who are you?" he asked indignantly, hand on his hip.

"Who are _you_!" she repeated, holding up a finger. "Wait, lemme get on my glasses. Holy shit, it's Grell~!"

She hopped on the unsuspecting grim reaper, running her fingers through his long mane. Her hand passed over his rear a couple of times, a perverted giggle passing her lips every time she indulged. She backed up, and cleared her throat.

"Call me Tomato," she nonchalantly requested, going to sit down on the oak desk. "Uh…pretend that I'm not here and bring in the next person, please."

He left the room, feeling slightly violated. Ophelia faced her creator, confused.

"Ginger would've been all over you if you told him who you really are and I _know _you, Beryl. You've been trying to rape him ever since you saw him on 'Kuroshitsuji Crack,'" the purple-clad girl reasoned.

"True…but if you really knew me, you would know that I'm strategic with these kind of things. Is my evil glasses glint on?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay. Making sure that the point was delivered successfully."

Grell returned with a blue-haired girl. Her hair was long and tied into a ponytail that stopped at the middle of her back. She was dressed in a sky blue short-sleeved maid outfit and carried an apron over her arm. Beryl turned on the glint on her glasses once more.

"It's nice to meet you, Lady Aubergine. My name is Mer Sullivan and I'm ready to audition," she greeted, chestnut-brown eyes shining with confidence.

"All right," Ophelia approved, turning to the authoress. "Could you like, poof _him _in here?"

Out of nowhere, Sebastian Michaelis appeared. He was in the middle of pouring tea, his eyes closed until he was ready to serve the beverage to nothing but air. He calmly observed his surroundings, spotting Ophelia.

"Ah, Lady Aubergine. May I ask what you have to done to the Young Master's study? And how you've managed to bring me here?" he interrogated.

She was busy studying the face of Mer, pleased that she wasn't screaming "Kawaii!" and dying of a massive nosebleed, like the others who auditioned. However, Mer's face was quite the disturbing image. Yes, her expression could only be described as the Ultimate Rapeface. A lot like Sebastian's, except her face had menacing shadows when applied correctly which made her look absolutely, murderously lecherous.

And if that wasn't creepy enough, she grew horns, her tongue was long and forked, and her eyes had no pupils.

"O-Okay, you pass that part!" the creeped-out Ophelia admitted, gesturing to the butler. "Um, Sebastian, read over this and recite it to our lovely lady here."

Sebastian studied the paper for a moment and handed the paper back to the short-haired girl. He walked over to Mer, whose Ultimate Rapeface receded quickly.

"I have nothing to give you, so why do you constantly badger me? You know where my loyalties lie," he performed perfectly, as expected. Don't worry, this won't be actually be in the story…maybe.

"Yes, you do, Mr. Sebastian. It's something all of your admirers want from you and few are lucky to have it…as long as they have something _you _want," Mer eloquently replied, tying on the apron she carried. "And I simply must have that ass."

On the apron, the words "Screw the Baker" were in bold print. Everyone who weren't Grell or Sebastian laughed their asses off. Beryl fell off of the desk, almost breaking her glasses while Ophelia went over to Mer (pronounced "Mare", if you were wondering) and hugged her.

"You're definitely worthy of being Beryl's second baby! You get the part! You get the part!" she exclaimed, overwhelmed by her giggles.

"Thank you, Lady Aubergine!" cheered the brown-eyed seventeen-year-old, hugging her back while sending Sebastian the Ultimate Rapeface. "Prepare to be charmed out of your slacks, Mr. Sebastian. Quite literally."

Before the poor butler could dignify that with a response, the Young Master walked into the whole fiasco.

"What is going on here, Ophelia! I let you use my study and you end up using my _entire _manor for some audition venue for some silly play! I can't even tell you how many girls tried to pinch my cheeks and coddle me as if I was some…some _child_!" Ciel ranted, marching up to the flushed original character.

"Uh…I don't know what you're talking 'bout! FANFICTION START!"

…That is, in the next chapter.

**A/N: …Review, please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>II. The Baker, A Pedophile<strong>

"Okay, Mer. You don't need to be as funny as me, but don't bore Beryl's readers or they'll flame you," my predecessor advised, her fingers clasped together as she rested her elbows on the desk she sat behind. I was standing across from her, listening carefully. Readers? So there were actual people experiencing my life like it was written? I knew I was attractive, but wow! I had stalkers crazy enough to read about me? Nice.

"Miss Ophelia, I think the fanfiction started already so stop breaking the fourth wall," the random character beside Lady Aubergine commented.

"You just did saying that there _was _a fourth wall, insignificant filler character!" she argued, clearing her throat. "Anyway, why are you here?"

"I…need a job so I can pay back my father," I answered reluctantly.

Alright, here's the deal. One day, my father was hosting a party. Everything was going great: people were doing the Hustle, break-dancing, and whatever odd dance techniques my predecessor brought to my family. I was upstairs, in my room preparing to join the commotion and by preparing, I meant stuffing my corset because I had really small breasts. You can't even call them _that. _Maybe oranges would suffice. Really, it was like Puberty was drunk and deliberately took the time to have a conversation with Hormones.

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><p>"H-Hey, Hormones," said Puberty.<p>

"Are you drunk again, Puberty?" replied Hormones.

"T-That's for you to know, and for me to f-find out! Hey, why don't you take all the plumpness that's supposed to be in the girl's chest and put it in her ass? A-and that way, she could, like, be like Kim Kardashian, but without the silicone and useless TV show."

Hormones sighed in annoyance. "If I did this, would you swear not to get drunk ever again?"

"I drink to never promise again…and make her short, too."

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><p>Well, after I was done with being ashamed of my flatness, I finally managed to make it to the top of stairwell. My dress was a little long and I honestly felt that I could make it down the stairs without making a fool out of myself. I cleared five steps, ten. Then at the very last step, I tripped. Not only did I trip and fall to the floor, I stepped on my dress and tripped literally <em>out <em>of my clothes.

Everyone saw my goods and my father threatened that I would be a street urchin if I didn't get to pay him back the price of his embarrassment. His idea of reimbursing him based on a intangible emotion was ludicrous enough. How did he expect me to pay him back one-hundred thousand pounds before the year ended? I was hoping to seek advice from my family's benefactor, maybe even work under her.

"A job? I can help with that," Lady Aubergine assured, gesturing to the man she called "insignificant filler character". He nodded, handing a small mechanical device to her. She pressed a button and put the object to her ear.

"Hi, Sebastian! I have a young lady here and she needs a job. Could you run that by Ciel real quick? I'll hold…Hi, Ciel! No, she's completely capable! Oh, alright! See you there!" She pushed another button and put the device down, smiling.

"Alright, Mer. If you're lucky, you might be able to join in on the most worn-out cliché ever: working at the Phantomhive Manor," the purple-clad girl informed. I bowed, very eager to get this over with.

_-Boring Transition That Lets You Know Time Has Passed-_

We were in a carriage, on our way to Phantomhive Manor. What kind of a name was Phantomhive, anyway? It sounds like a place where ghost bees go, don't you agree? According to Lady Aubergine, if I was successful, I would be working for a person called Ciel Phantomhive. She assumed that I would be relaxed to know that he and his butler understood French. There goes the stereotype of the foreign servant cursing out everyone in her native language while they look on in confusion. Well, that was just two people I had to worry about.

"Now, whatever you do, don't _ever _try to harm Ciel in any way," she warned, her face dead serious.

"Why would I do that?" I asked, curious.

"Believe me, you'll find a reason to. He has a smart mouth that just pisses people off, but if you even _mention _harming him-like I did in Chapter Twelve-his butler won't hesitate to kill you."

"Kill?"

"Or rape. Depending if you have information or not," she elaborated.

I just waited patiently until we arrived at the manor. We came to a stop and the carriage door opened. I just wanted to maintain my distance from anyone that might distract me from achieving my goal of paying back my father or risk having to solicit my goods (no matter how tiny they were) in the streets of London.

"Welcome to the Phantomhive Manor," a voice, smooth and silky, welcomed. I almost hit my head trying to see who it belonged to. Could it be one of those guys that had the perfect voice, but imperfect anatomical features? Snap out of it, Mer! Surely this man wasn't worth you fawning over! I have a job to do and nothing could stop me, not even-

A slender frame met my vision. He was dressed crisply in a black tailcoat made from what I could see was the most finest wool and slacks. He had a broad chest, and was tall. Maroon eyes that trapped me in their passionate depths and the obsidian locks I hoped to wrap my fingers around framed them perfectly. I do believe that if I had a penis…well, you could do the math, but all I had to show for my arousal was my Ultimate Rapeface. It went unnoticed by the man, who held his gloved hand out.

"Your hand, miss?" he politely requested.

"Of course," I could only reply, wondering what his last name was to figure out what my name would sound like next to it. In the meantime, he would have to stick with Sullivan. Sebastian Sullivan. That sounded nice, didn't it, my readers? The butler helped me down and-

Good God, take a look at that ass! I'd like to lay hands on that! Anyway, I thought that this was the opportune time to properly introduce myself. I stood on my toes, took his face in my hands and kissed both of his cheeks. What? It was a French custom. Okay, that was an excuse to kiss him, so what? You totally envy me right now.

"_Bonjour. _My name is Mer Sullivan and I hope to be part of your staff," I greeted, curtsying to him.

"_Bienvenue, mademoiselle._ I am the head butler, Sebastian Michaelis. Your name means 'Sea' in English, correct?" he responded, genuinely interested. I was _so _in there.

"Yes, it does." I wish he'd drown in _my _sea, if you catch my drift. Insert perverted laugh here. Lady Aubergine joined us soon enough, almost tripping as she exited the carriage.

"Thanks for the help, _Sebastian!_" she spat, stomping over in our direction.

"My apologies, Lady Cornelius. Shall we go inside?" suggested the butler, leading the way inside. The entrance itself was bigger than the courtyard back at my home, so I felt like I was dirt-poor when observing the spacious area. My predecessor seemed to be used to it, placing her hands in her pockets as she walked next to me.

"I can't believe it's not pimping…" she whispered to me.

"What do you mean?" I queried.

"Ciel's the head of a toy company, but I don't believe that's all his family's been doing."

"You're correct, Lady Cornelius. The Phantomhives were also advocates of flood-control and medical establishments," Sebastian elaborated, making clear that he heard our short-lived conversation. He turned to me. "The Young Master is expecting you, so if you could please follow me…"

The butler (who would soon be Sebastian Sullivan) started to go up the stairs. I rooted through my luggage and set up my camera, taking a picture of the finest posterior known to woman. I put my equipment away as soon as he whirled around to address the sound, smiling innocently 'til he set his eyes forward again. We eventually made it to a study area, and I started to wonder what this "Young Master" looked like. Was he as handsome as his butler? I could see him now. Strong and lean. A charming smile that just oozed with confidence, "I'm sexy and you know it."

Sitting behind a desk positioned in front of large windows, a child no older than twelve glanced up at our arrival. Was he the Young Master's son or younger sibling? He wore an eyepatch over his right eye, which gave me the impression that he loved to play "Pirates of the Caribbean" or some other childish game. He was just the cutest thing! I searched around the room to locate the person I would be working for. I still couldn't find him so why did Sebastian bring me here?

The boy stood up, walking over to me. I had the urge to drop my luggage, scoop him up, and bring him to my face to cuddle him…so I did.

"Pardon me for being impulsive, but you're just so _adorable!_" I squealed, giggling like I was mad. The boy protested against my embrace, pushing away from me. He addressed the butler, who seemed mildly amused.

"Sebastian, who is this girl!" the sweetheart demanded, a blush tainting his cheeks. The tall man appeared like he wanted to say "Apparently, a pedophile," but that wouldn't be true, would it? I'm just a _shota_-lover, is all.

"This is Mer Sullivan, the young lady seeking employment at the manor. Isn't she a colorful individual, Young Master?" the sly servant said, while I felt my heart plummet into the pit of my stomach. Ciel Phantomhive was a twelve-year-old _shota_! I think I'm fired already. I maintained a non-pedophile distance away from him and bowed as deeply as I could.

"My apologies, m'lad! I was expecting someone older and I wasn't informed-please don't fire me before you hire me!" I begged fervently.

"How do you expect to be a servant without having any boundaries?" he criticized. Lady Aubergine was right; I would find a reason to harm him. I mean, who does he think he is, with that snobbish tone? Oh, that's right. Rich and cute.

Ciel straightened himself out. "What can you do?"

"Well…I can bake," I answered.

"Sebastian is already capable of that task."

Damn. Think of a witty reply…

"I'm sure he can, m'lad. However, wouldn't a woman's cooking taste better than a man's?"

A bit arrogant on my part, but anything to prevent my prostitution. The Earl smirked. He didn't think I was undermining my pretty butler's skills, was he? I glanced back to gauge Sebastian's reaction to my words and I saw a rather self-assured expression on his face. Relationships have a better chance at forming if fueled by a healthy rivalry, right? It was just the matter of how many treats I would have to bake to make him see that I'm sweet enough to sample, too. Insert perverted laugh here.

"Show her the kitchen, Sebastian," the short-haired boy ordered.

"Understood, Young Master."

If I won over the Earl's affections with my cooking, I would have two goals. The first being working in the Phantomhive manor until I had the proper wages to pay my father back and the second being making Sebastian Michaelis mine by that time. Wish me luck.

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><p><strong>AN: Optimistic, isn't she? Review. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>III. The Baker, Hired<strong>

Once I got the appropriate ingredients and measurements, I got to work. However, it was hard to concentrate. Sebastian was…hovering, to say the least, but I didn't mind. As long as I got a gander of that gluteus maximus of his, I was perfectly content. The dessert I was making was called Baba au Rhum, a cake with apricots, soaked in rum and a syrup made from sugar and water.

Sebastian wasn't my only spectator, though.

Three other servants and an older butler joined him, so that kind of foiled my plan to try and make contact with the head butler's assets, if you know what I mean.

"Who's she, Mr. Sebastian?" asked the boy with the high-pitched voice.

"She's not my replacement, is she?" said the other male, his voice lower in pitch and sounding threatened.

"Will she be working with us?" hoped the female with the grating voice, excited.

"Hohoho…" was all the old butler was saying.

They all sound interesting enough. Although, they were tampering with my concentration as they began to have a conversation amongst themselves. I guess that I could get together with them since all I had to do was apply the apricot slices and the glaze. I cleaned my hands off thoroughly on my apron, going over to the trio.

Sebastian took the liberty of introducing me to them.

"This is Mer Sullivan. If she manages to win the Young Master's heart with her baking, she'll be a part of the Phantomhive staff," he said, stressing the "if" in that last statement. So he thinks I can't win over a twelve-year-old _shota_ with my cooking? We'll see about that! In the meantime, I'll settle down and focus on how I'm going to successfully charm him out of his slacks.

"Mer," my butler called, gesturing to the group of the servants, "these three are Maylene, Bardroy, and Finnian. Even though they've been here longer than you have, I wouldn't trust that they'll give you the best advice."

"Hey, I resent that!" crowed Bardroy.

"My apologies. Tanaka is more trustworthy," the maroon-eyed man corrected, referring to the old man sipping tea.

I curtsied to them all, kissing their cheeks just to prove to you, the readers, that I don't discriminate. The three Sebastian described as pretty much incapable blushed, the claret-haired girl turning a more dangerous red than the other two. Was she a lesbian or something? Then again, she must have been thinking that of me. Tanaka suddenly became animated, clearing his throat.

"To kiss one's cheeks in the way of greeting is a French custom," he explained, sipping his tea and relaxing back into a dormant state.

"I've always wanted to experience French charm, yes!" revealed Maylene, anxious.

"What a custom!" chuckled Bardroy, scratching the back of his head. Finnian remained silent, his cheeks red. I went back to the kitchen and finished off the dessert for Ciel, covering the cake with apricot glaze (simultaneously wishing that I could douse it on Sebastian's naked body, too). I placed the cake on the platter and held it with both hands, that way, if I fell, the food will have its dignity left.

I made it to the Young Master's study and presented to him. He was intrigued by it, to say the least, but he looked at me expectantly. His criticizing gaze gave me the feeling that I was missing something and I was about to feel real stupid for it. Like when Beryl lost her glasses and looked for them for a full five minutes before she realized that they were on her face the entire time. Who does that?

"How do you expect me to eat it without any cutlery?" he asked and I face-palmed, turning around to go get some, but Sebastian stopped me. Get this, he pulled a fork out of his jacket. Who keeps eating utensils in their jacket? That just looked like a random basis for a ridiculous theme song.

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><p><em>(In the tune of <em>"Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga_)_

_Forks, Knives, Ga-a-lore! _

_Watch out, he's got some more!_

_Forks, Knives, surprise, surprise!_

_Silverware Soldier~! x2_

_He's got your salad, your silverware, too_

_With that poker face, he serves it to you_

_This guy wears gloves_

_Gloves, gloves, gloves_

_This guy wears gloves_

_He's got your dessert on a silver platter_

_Whatever he makes, does it really matter?_

_This guy wears gloves_

_Gloves, gloves, gloves_

_This guy wears gloves_

_(Background: Gloves, gloves, gloves…this guy wears gloves)_

_He knows that we want him, he knows that we need him_

_We need his bad…his bad butler class_

_We want his love and he wants his revenge_

_The Silverware Soldier man! _

_He'll kick your bum while he's serving you rum_

_The Silverware Soldier man!_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, _oh_, oh, oh, oh, _oh_, oh, oh, oh_

_The Silverware Soldier man! x2_

_Forks, Knives, any eating tool_

_This man's a crazy fool_

_Forks, Knives, surprise, surprise_

_Silverware Soldier~!_

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><p>"I'm sorry, m'lad. I was so excited to bring it to you," was my excuse for my absentmindedness. The butler tutted as he handed the fork to Ciel, possibly ready to chastise me.<p>

"A servant shouldn't let herself be forgetful under the influence of emotion," he chided, turning to address the Young Master. "Is it to your liking, Young Master?"

The young earl took a piece from the Baba au Rhum and ate it. I could have sworn there was a hint of an orgasm in his stunned eye as he composed himself quickly. I was the one to wait expectantly this time, wanting to know if I got the job or not.

"It's good," he praised monotonously. "Sebastian, show her around."

"Understood, Young Master," the butler complied.

Begin Phase One: Ass-grabbing.

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><p><strong>AN: Uh-oh, Ciel doesn't realize that he has hired a **_**shota-**_**loving pervert. Will Sebastian be able to handle the unwanted contact without chucking a couple of knives Mer's way? Review to find out. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>IV. The Baker, Plotting <strong>

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I'm a Creep. Now, to get a better understanding on what a Creep is, I would suggest that you go watch the video for "The Creep" on Beryl's profile, but for now, I'll explain to the best of my ability. A Creep is not a stalker. A stalker follows their subject and is secretive about it, while a Creep openly pursues their target and has no qualms admitting their infatuation.

When Sebastian was showing me around, I was figuring out ways to excuse my soon-to-be Creepiness. I mean, what would you say in defense of being openly pervy like I was? I was going to settle with "There was a _really _persistent speck of dust on your slacks" or "It was calling me, baby!," but I didn't think those would work so I was going to be completely honest.

I decided to make my move as we were walking through the corridor. I was carrying my luggage and I pretended that I was getting slightly tired. Making a commotion out of dropping them, I watched as the butler courteously stopped and bent over to retrieve the briefcases. Chance! He flinched momentarily then got a grip of himself as he took my things.

"Allow me to show you to your room, Mer," he said, acting as if I didn't try and give him a prostate exam on the spot. I followed him, my Ultimate Rapeface beaming as he lead me to a pleasantly decorated room. "Maylene has this room, as well."

"Thank you, Mr. Sebastian. I look forward to working with you," I said, keeping my eyes on him while he placed my possessions on what would be my bed, where I hoped to work him, if you know what I mean.

"Likewise," he replied, smiling widely and going elsewhere.

Oh, yeah. He wanted it.

I unpacked my clothes, swords (those will be explained later) , and my most important thing, my notebook. Why this notebook was precious to me? It was going to be an essential item in my pursuit of Sebastian's ass. It held different sections for various characteristics of most men I pursued. Currently, there were four sections: Deadly Sexy, Adorably Sexy, Mysteriously Sexy, and Lovely Sexy. I think Sebastian could go under "Deadly Sexy" so I wrote his name in that part and wrote "Turn-ons" beneath that. I had yet to figure those out, but I had plenty time!

To pass time, I decided to go outside.

Everything was nice and I was about to let my guard down up to the point I started to notice the burnt trees. Now, what could cause that? As soon as that thought ended, the ground began to tremble underneath my feet and I was attacked. A massive beast tackled me to the ground and started nosing around where it shouldn't.

Instinctually, I went for the dagger I kept strapped to the inside of my thigh. Before I could successfully reach it, the giant monster was thrown off of me. My savior was none other than Sebastian, who had a slight look of disdain on his face. He straightened his expression, concern replacing the disgust as he offered his hand to me.

"I apologize that you've had the misfortune of meeting that hound," he said, sincerely sounding remorseful. "Though, I must ask that you must not divulge its existence to anyone outside of this household."

"My lips are sealed," I promised, really wondering how in the hell did he get something ten times his size off of me? I looked at the giant dog creature and noticed it was shrinking. The form pounced on the butler and I was paralyzed by what I was witnessing. A naked man appeared, hanging off of the annoyed man. Even though I was a _shota _fan, I was particularly fond of _yaoi _and this wonderful sight that has fallen before me made my senses override a bit.

"What's his name?" I asked dreamily, hands clasped together.

"Pluto," Sebastian answered, materializing a suit out of nowhere to put on the red-eyed man. He released the dog-man, who scurried by my feet. He was panting happily, like a canine would. I pet him on his head and he seemed to love it, so I indulged on him. "Don't spoil it too much; it'll get attached."

"Really?"

I didn't mind that. I liked dogs, just not to the point of bestiality. Pulling away from the shaggy-haired man, I took a moment to open my notebook and write "Turn-offs" on the page next to Sebastian's "Turn-ons". I listed dogs as a "Turn-off".

"May I inquire as to what you're writing, Mer?" questioned the butler, curious. I hid the book, smiling brightly.

"Just a few notes," I replied honestly.

"Is that right? I can tell that you're going to be more capable than I expected you to be."

Underestimating me again, is he? For someone so polite, he had a way of making someone feel like crap. What a contradiction. It was sort of like sour chocolate, a sweet lemon, or…a pregnant man.

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><p>Sebastian Michaelis sighed as he poured another glass of scotch and dumped it down his throat. We all very well know that he can't get too far out of his mind through using human means such as alcohol, so let's just say he went through a couple bottles.<p>

Now, our demon was getting a bit wasted because a certain redhead's wish became true. In a confused bout of passion (which would probably never happen, so don't bite my head off, trollin' fans!), Grell magically made his junk turn into a vagina and was glad to know in the next couple of months that he was happily pregnant with his unrequited lover's baby. He made William the unwilling godfather and his best friends, Victoria Perez and Elizabeth Ren, the godmothers. They supported him as he delivered the demon-reaper hybrid baby successfully.

Today, Grell went to see Sebastian, thinking that he'll be thrilled by the news. The demon disguised himself as a hobo in an alleyway, but you know that this guy isn't too gifted in the area of concealment so the reaper wasn't really fooled by that guise.

"Bassy, look! It's our baby," he said to the newfound drunkard, bringing the infant to the disturbed man. He immediately pushed the baby away.

"Get it away from me…" Sebastian groaned.

"But Sebastian~! He's _our _little bundle of joy!" Grell argued, cradling the sharp-toothed baby boy. "Look, he was even born with gloves on his hands."

The chubby child's hands were covered by gloves. Sebastian had to admit that had caught his attention. He put the two-hundredth bottle of scotch down and held out his hands. The redhead squealed delightedly and put the baby in his arms.

"What did you name it?" the demonic butler asked.

"Eight-Hours," Grell answered.

"Why would you name it that?"

"Because that's how long we went, Sebas-chan~!"

"You should've named it 'Eight-Yards.'"

"Why would I do that?"

"Cuz that's how far he's gonna fly, you disgusting bitch!" he reasoned, dropping the baby and punting it like a football, watching in satisfaction as Eight-Hours went sailing in the path of a speeding carriage. He was alright…that is, until Claude the pedophile made off with him.

* * *

><p>I took his somewhat insulting compliment with a smile and went on my way to the inside of the manor, plotting my next move. It was clear that the second phase could be put into activation. Shameless flirting was my specialty and it was proven difficult to ignore my advances when I started. I was sure that Sebastian will be glad to be my personal manservant after I was done with him. You would wish me luck, would you, stalker readers? No? Haters.<p>

**A/N: Child, it hasn't even been a day, yet! Mer's one arrogant cookie, but will that work on our Sebastian? Review to find out!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>V. The Baker, Nasty<strong>

Did you know that I have a theme song? Beryl played it for me over the time this chapter was being created and I think it's perfect for me. If you aren't familiar with "In My Bed" by Millionaires then you should look it up. Anyway, I've been working around the Phantomhive manor for a couple of days now and don't die on me when I say this, but I think Sebastian's warming up to me. I told him that I had a thing for butlers and he suggested that Tanaka would be a perfect match for me. Well…I wouldn't call that "warming up", but it was a start.

I said to him that Tanaka might've been a butler, but he wasn't _head _butler and a man in charge was even more attractive. In response, he ordered me to go into the kitchen and prepare the Young Master's snacks. Like a real man would, bossing a woman around to lay before him and bear his babies and making his food. But if it was Sebastian, I'd happily have twenty of his kids~!

Which brings me to this question: what kind of underwear does he wear? The skimpier they are, the better the outcome of my advances. And by advances, I mean, taking him by force. You know you have an inner rapist in you, too! Especially when it comes to guys like Sebastian. I admit that I have one and her name is Ted. I don't know why, though.

When I was taking a pie out of the oven, someone decided to grab my oranges. Ecstatically hoping that my beloved butler finally came to his senses, I grab my assailant's hands and noticed that they weren't gloved. I deflated, turning around to see Pluto, the gay dog. He was panting happily, as if he didn't just harass me. Taking a pan from the counter, I slammed the wild-haired dog-man on the head and he whimpered, clutching at the growing bump. The twins were for Sebastian and Sebastian only, no matter how non-existent they were!

Speaking of which, I heard him chuckle. Did he send Pluto to tease me! Oh, he was sly…just how Mama likes.

"Were you behind that, Mr. Sebastian?" I asked, placing the pan back where it belonged.

"I have no idea as to what you're accusing me of, Mer," he said innocently. "He must have mistaken you for a bitch in heat."

Before you start accusing Beryl about how out-of-character that statement was, I should inform you that my mind likes to be a cruel mistress and tricks my ears into hearing things that'll cause me to respond in an absolutely crazy way. So take a deep breath and know that the butler didn't say that previous sentence. That's how I perceive the world, at times.

"Pardon, Mr. Sebastian?" I said, shaking my head.

"He must have mistaken you for a treat," he answered, which lead to my first double-entendre of the many I plan to say.

"If that's the case, then I wouldn't want it to be him to sample my cream filling."

The head butler's eyebrow twitched then he went off elsewhere. Oh, yeah. He wants my goods. Pluto looked curiously at my Ultimate Rapeface and tugged at my dress. I kneeled, rubbing his bump carefully.

"You understand me, correct?" I questioned him. He nodded his head. "Then don't touch what's not yours."

Whimpering at my dangerous tone, the excited dog tilted his head in understanding. Then it hit me. My Ultimate Rapeface grew in intensity as I began to think of a plan that might enable me to cop a feel of the wonderful planes that belonged to Sebastian's ass…

_-Boring Transition-_

"Might I interrupt, m'lad?" I called from the closed door.

"Come in," I heard and entered Ciel's study, pushing the cart that held my pie. Ciel glanced up at me, Sebastian mirroring his movements. Secretly, I winked at him then faced the precocious preteen.

"As a reward for being such a kind master, I've prepared a pie for you, m'lad. I hope it is to your liking," I eloquently spoke as I cut a decently-sized slice for him. He took it, quickly taking a bite.

"It's good as always, Mer," the young Earl said, addressing the neutral-faced butler. "Your face is interesting, Sebastian. Do you want to quench that hunger of yours with one of Mer's pastries?"

"At least, you like it, m'lad," I stated sadly. "Mr. Sebastian wouldn't eat my pie, no matter how hard I beg him to."

I know; I'm nasty.

"It is not my intention to offend you, Mer, but I have an aversion to sweets that has fruit not yet ripe," my sly butler cleverly responded. Even so, that was a low blow. Ciel was confused by our exchange.

"Mer's pie isn't bad. Maybe you could try it to learn a thing or two from her, Sebastian," he argued, and before I could stop myself, I laughed at his unintentional vulgarity. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was being stared at. I stopped laughing, going over to the tray to retrieve the whole pie and whistled, giving Pluto the signal. The dog-man came careening in the study, knocking over the cart and making the pie collide with my dress.

I wanted this to happen, of course.

For you see, my plan was to get messy enough so Sebastian could feel disturbed to the point of wanting to dress me himself. Yeah, I've watched a couple of Kuroshitsuji OVA (in which I shouldn't know about, but hey, who cares?) in preparation for my current role and luckily, watching those gave me a couple of ideas.

"Bad Pluto! Look at what you did to my dress!" I chastised, clasping my hands together. "You've made me an unsatisfactory servant to my master!"

Pluto whined, leaving the room and boosting my enthusiasm. Ciel sighed, and ordered Sebastian to make me more presentable. This was what I was hoping for! I was happier than a blond psychopath who's just captured the subject of his unrequited love.

* * *

><p>"Y'know, Claude, when I was growing up, I used to love to play tag. It was so fun! So why not play it with me?" Alois Trancy reminisced, smiling ear-to-ear as he traveled through the many halls of his manor. Seems innocent at first, right? But that's the trick of being Alois: he seems all cute and harmless at a glance. However, put a woman in front of him and he'll gouge that bitch's eyes out.<p>

But his misogyny's (hatred of women) besides the point.

The blue-eyed fourteen-year-old decided that he wanted to play a game that's popular among children in a very wrong and twisted way. You see, he wanted to play tag…with a baseball bat. Not a plastic one, not a wooden one, but a freaking _metal _bat. He was the new Lil' Slugger and his victim was Claude Faustus, a guy with some pedophilic tendencies. No matter how hard Alois tried to be the subject of his guy's child-lusting, he couldn't ever rouse his attention.

So he thought to himself, "Fuck it, if I can't any brain, I'm gonna splatter his all over the walls!"

And here we are, witnesses to a psychopath's pursuit of a pedophile. Alliteration's fun, isn't it, guys?

"Claude~! Where are you?" he called, twirling the bat in his hand and swinging it at an innocent lamp. It shattered upon impact, its many pieces clattering to the floor. One made a _thump _and Alois looked down, smiling even wider as he found his target. "Tag, you're it~"

_Squelch._

Then he took advantage of the dead body.

* * *

><p>Sebastian and I were alone. I refrained from rubbing my hands together in anticipation, watching as he took an extra outfit for me to wear. I was positioned in front of the window, just in case he tried to get away from my lovin'.<p>

"So…are you going to dress me, Mr. Sebastian? My hands are a bit shaky and I couldn't possibly hope to get to my duties fast enough," I suggested. The butler seemed to catch what I was implying (Who wouldn't? It was sort of blunt) and his eyes glazed over with lust. Ooh, who knew that it would be this easy~?

I held my arms out expectantly and closed my eyes, waiting to be ravaged by my darling butler. However, things seemed to be running a bit slow as I'm posing here like an idiot. To be sure that Sebastian was truly interested in my proposal, I crack open one of my eyes just a smidgen. My butler had opened the window and snatched up a cat with the sign "A Well-Placed Distraction" around its furry neck. A kitten just cock-blocked me! I can't believe it!

I try to bargain for his attention once again.

"Mr. Sebastian…what about my clothes?" I asked.

"Ah," he started, snapping out of his momentary daze. "I'll leave you to dress, then."

And with my soul crushed, Sebastian walked out of the room. Well, at least I can add something to my notebook. What that would be? Under Sebastian's Turn-ons, I put cats. So far, I can see what else I can do to effectively woo him under my dress. It would just take a few moments more. Yes, a few moments more…

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><p><strong>AN: Oh, Lord, what is she planning now? Tune in next time and Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

**VI. The Baker, Challenged**

* * *

><p>Because I normally didn't go to sleep fast, I would preoccupy myself by going outside to the courtyard and if I was still awake, I would go bother Sebastian. It appeared that he was a fellow insomniac and he let me follow him around, as long as I kept my hands to myself. But that would be no fun, would it, my readers? Well, I could at least talk.<p>

"Mr. Sebastian?" I began.

"Yes, Mer?"

"If I were a cat, would you like me better?"

"If all humans were cats, that would make them more easier to be around," he answered. There was a pause and I started to put on my one-piece cat suit. "However, that would make them less interesting when they're not concerned with trivial things, such as status and money."

I put away my cat suit, disappointed.

"A simple yes or no would have sufficed, but I'll consider that as a 'yes.'"

Suddenly, Sebastian blew out the candles on the candelabra and pushed me against a pillar. Was he going to confess to me?

"Pardon me," he excused, reaching up my dress then my skirts. Come on…come on…and he grabbed my dagger, chucking it at the bushes some distance away. Bollocks! A rather effeminate wail sounded then and a red blur creeped out of the foliage.

"As I suspected," Sebastian concluded. "What is your business here, Mr. Grell?"

The red thing called Grell stood up casually, as if he wasn't spouting blood from where my dagger impacted. A seductive shark-toothed grin went across his face as he sauntered over to where my butler was. The redhead was getting awfully close to a point I would call uncomfortable for my butler and I wanted to viciously assault the fool for such a violation (I have yet to do myself)!

As politely as I could, I shoved the red-clad stranger away and took his place at Sebastian's side. Dramatically, the long-haired menace tottered on his heeled-wait a minute, heeled!-shoes and placed his hands on his hips in what I could assume to be an attempt to show attitude. He harrumphed and began to chew me out and not even in a good way.

"How dare you lay your filthy hands on me! And just what do you think you're doing with my Bassy!" he demanded, sending me a glare that could electrify.

"Who is this man, Mr. Sebastian?" I asked, walking over to the bush to retrieve my dagger. I might put it to another use other than to rip Sebastian's clothes off with.

"A death god-"

"No need to introduce me to that blue thing, Bassy. It doesn't deserve to know the flaming magnificence that is Grell Sutcliff!" announced the red behemoth, posing ostentatiously. Oh, he was "flaming," alright.

"I don't think Mer appreciates you referring to her as a 'thing,'" Sebastian said, but it was already too late for the red thing. I flung the dagger at the back of his head and it hit the target beautifully. Or I would've thought so if it wasn't for the redhead's suddenly awesome reflexes. And get this: he pulled a chainsaw out of nowhere. Even though I wasn't supposed to know the name for such an invention, I knew this:

The red riding whore was going down and not even in a good way.

"Mr. Sutcliff, as a Phantomhive servant, it is my duty to eliminate any threat to the Young Master. I'm so sorry it has to come to this," I insincerely apologized, releasing the swords I kept strapped to my forearms. Yes, I was a dangerous girl, but not dangerous in a way that involved any STDs. Who does Mr. _Slut_cliff think he is, marching in like he's actually important in this story's plot?

"_You _might be sorry, but I'm not apologizing for the improvement that will be the blood staining your corpse!" he retorted, revving up his weapon and charging at me. I was prepared to defend myself against the attack, but Sebastian gallantly intervened and caught the whirling blade between his palms. That's my butler! Protecting me, the future carrier of his forty babies-

"That is enough, you two. You'll wake the Young Master if you continue this," Sebastian said, and we immediately obeyed. He turned to me. "Mer, even though you put the Young Master's well-being first, it wasn't your place to act. Would you apologize to Grell for your behavior?"

Apologize! That was as likely as my Sebastian actually being attracted to the Red Bitch!

* * *

><p>"And you're not exactly Sebastian, either, are you?" assumed the red-haired Shinigami, adjusting the gloves on his hands. The ebony-haired butler before him gave a flirtatious wink.<p>

"It is what my Master has christened me, yes. However, that can change, if you happen to have a free schedule tonight, Mr. Sutcliff," he bravely answered, mildly surprising the reaper.

"Oh. Well, can I call you Bassy?"

"If that name is what you wouldn't mind calling out when I'm done with you, then yes."

Grell Sutcliff blushed at the very thought of knocking unmentionables with the handsome butler. He felt like a school girl, again. If he were alive, his heart would have been fluttering like crazy. For now, he had to settle with revving his Death Scythe and attacking his crush. When they got close enough to the point that their noses touched, Sebastian beckoned to the rooftop as he feigned launching the reaper in that direction. At last, Grell thought, as he flew. A man that knew a good actress when he saw one.

The butler went after him after assuring his master that he was going to "take care of everything." The only thing he was going to take care of Grell's sweet body. Speaking of it, the redhead's form looked really enticing to Sebastian under the light of the moon.

"Oh, Bassy! Never has this lady thought that love would come to her in the form of a demon such as yourself. Demons and Reapers never seem to get along well," he practically sang, charging the engine of his Death Scythe once more and sprinting towards the demonic servant. The butler knew that the self-proclaimed lady wouldn't hurt him. No, he simply ripped his clothes just enough to reveal his nosebleed-worthy body.

Sebastian knocked the scythe away, dragging Grell down on top of him by the collar.

"I hope that I am an exception to that, my lady," he purred, lifting his head to bite at the reaper's neck.

"Really?" the bespectacled redhead replied, a seductive edge to his voice.

"By yonder moon, I swear it."

And then, things got dangerous. No, seriously. Mer came in and kicked Grell off of Sebastian, who watched as he fell off of the roof.

* * *

><p>"Well!" the red harpy demanded, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his foot. I sighed heavily, reminding myself that I needed to be the better woman, since the better woman usually had the better chance of claiming Sebastian's better half, if you can follow me. So I'll make nice with Grell and kiss his scrawny ass as much as I have to in order to completely annihilate his chances with my butler. Of course, those were pretty much more non-existent than his aforementioned ass.<p>

I put away my swords and put on a pitiful face, taking Grell's hands into mine.

"I apologize, Ms. Grell. It was _so _unladylike to approach you like I have previously demonstrated. Will you please forgive me?" I performed perfectly, if I do say so myself. Grell was taken by surprise at my polite manner, it seemed. His green eyes turned forgiving.

"I suppose so, er…what's your name, again?" he answered.

"Mer Sullivan."

Indeed. Mer, as in "Mega erotic rabbit," the one you cannot hope to defeat in the pursuit of Sebastian Michaelis's very scrumptious tail. I released my grip on the red thing's hands and peeked over at Sebastian, who was sending a smile my way. If Lady Cornelius were here, she'd probably say it was a "bitch-I-saw-what-you-did-there" smile. Either way, I loved all of my darling's smiles. I was sure that the result of directly staring into one too long would eventually lead to the excuse, "Pardon me while I go wring out my panties."

"Grell, you never got to explain your purpose in being here," reminded the butler, thankfully bringing me out of being one second away from using that excuse. That would have been embarrassing, not being able to contain myself in front of what could be the most easiest person I have met since…since-oh, shut up!

"Oh, right. Well, I'm here to decide the fate of the soul I'm supposed to reap belonging to a Creux Sullivan," he explained, his eyes meeting mine for a moment. How utterly convenient! Creux was my older brother. He was as gay as Sebastian was sexy so you could imagine how fabulous he was. It was unfair how I got kicked out of the house for embarrassing my father with my clumsiness, but my darling brother doesn't get punished when he held orgy parties in my room during my absence.

You couldn't begin to know how humiliating it was to know that I've been sleeping in my brother and his lover's sexual filth for weeks. I jumped into the Thames river and stayed there for an hour, hoping that the cold water would kill me so that my spirit could escape the nastiness. Of course, I had no such luck and I forced myself to return to my room to excessively clean my sheets. One day, I shall get my revenge.

"Revenge?" questioned Sebastian. Oh, did I say that last part out loud?

"Oh, nothing, Mr. Sebastian," I convinced him, making unwanted eye contact with Grell. "You said reap his soul, Ms. Grell? Will he die?"

"As a reaper, it's my job to determine whether this particular soul lives or dies, judging by his Cinematic Record-basically, the overview of his life," he elaborated nonchalantly, yelping at the sight of my Ultimate Revengeface.

"Mer," you're probably saying, "you're a horrible person to want your brother to die!" First of all, person, who said I wanted him to die? I'm just gonna help Grell out, in hopes that he sees how drop-dead gorgeous my brother is so that he could forget about Sebastian for awhile. The revenge part? My brother absolutely _hates _redheads! Ever since he was a kid, a redheaded girl used to bully him and if he ever saw one, he would have an unnatural bout of nausea.

"Lord Sullivan was supposed to be our guest tomorrow morning, so it would be best to come back after he is done discussing business matters with the Young Master," Sebastian suggested, my heart dropping into the acidy recesses of my stomach. I was going to be humiliated…_again!_

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><p><strong>AN: Aw, poor Mer. Just how much of a douchebag is her brother? And how will she avoid being embarrassed in front of Sebastian?** **Review! Oh, and guys, do me a HUGE favor. It's for the sake of Chapter 8. Tell me what you and your friends would do if Grell suddenly busted out of your closet! Give a me a couple of names and you might be featured in that chapter! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

* * *

><p><strong>VII. The Baker, Diabolical<strong>

"Mer, are you alright! You look so tired!" Finnian commented, as soon as I made my way into the foyer. He and the others were waiting at the base of the stairway for Ciel and Sebastian. Yes, you read right, my readers. I, Mer, the mega erotic rabbit, was not at my attractive best this fine morning. My hair was an absolute mess, my eyes had these atrocious bags under them, and I had no pep in my step at all. I was up all night and not even in the way I wanted.

"I didn't get much sleep last night, Finni, so I apologize for my horrid appearance," I replied, yawning. The thought of my brother being here was sabotaging my chances at sleep and I stayed up, worrying about what he might do to torment me. And in front of Sebastian, no less!

"Mer," you're probably saying, "are you gonna let your brother keep you from getting that fine butler tail?" Well, person, I guess I _shouldn't _let my brother smother my flaming lust with his douchebag blanket. Thanks to your words of encouragement, I felt enough confidence to take care of my poor appearance. Now that I was back to my beauteous glory, I joined my fellow co-workers.

"What's got you up in the clouds so quick?" Bardroy asked, possibly confused at my sudden attitude change.

"Oh, nothing. Bardroy, were you always this handsome?" I said, smiling like a madwoman. The blond blushed, scratching the back of his head.

"W-Well, I suppose so-"

"What are you five doing, loitering around?"

Ciel finally graced us with his presence, looking like he was as disheveled as I was a few moments ago. I guess he wasn't a morning person. Sebastian was close behind the short _shota, _looking slightly amused. That is, until he saw me. The confident smirk that was across his face turned into a straight line, a disapproving expression that made me lose the tingling feeling I usually had when he was around.

Something told me that I shouldn't have worn my sexy bloomers today.

The butler secretly kept his eye on me while he gave special instructions to the staff, not making his scrutiny obvious to the three, whom were cowering under his stern voice. Even though I adored any attention I could receive from the future father of our sixty kids, there was a certain strangeness about his gaze. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong I wasn't even aware of. Oh, no! Could it be that I didn't tighten my corset enough? No, that couldn't be it. I would look like a very unattractive man if I wound it any tighter. Or was it the fact that-

"Mer," the raven-haired man called, "may I speak to you privately?"

This was an opportunity, sent to me from the lust gods! Naturally, I was happy to accept his invitation. We separated from the main group, blissfully alone, at last, in the kitchen. I was hoping that he would realize his feelings for me and start showering me with affection, but I was not that deluded to believe that was going to happen, what with the hauntingly serious face he had on.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Sebastian?" was my timid question.

"It depends. Will whatever you're plotting interrupt our guest's stay here?" His voice was so wonderfully hostile! I wonder if he sounded this demanding in bed…

I continued to feign innocence. "What ever do you mean?"

"Lord Sullivan is related to you, is he not?" When I didn't answer him, he continued. "Yesterday evening, when his name was mentioned, I noticed that your demeanor changed." An inappropriate smile softened his features. "Is that why you spoke of revenge?"

Damn, he was good. Quality bedding material, wasn't he? I wouldn't mind waking up to that face everyday. I wasn't able to recover from his quick cunning, though.

"Yes, well-"

"Whatever happened between you and Lord Sullivan must not be evident during his stay here. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I relented, pretty sure that any other answer would guarantee the soiling of my underclothes…and not even in a good way. However, there were a few loopholes in his order. Not only does Creux dislike me, he got upset if he was in the vicinity of a redhead or too much of the color red. Guess who only knew that? Me, if that was too hard for you. Sebastian, unfortunately, didn't have access to such information. He hadn't said that I couldn't indirectly bust my brother's gay little balls by means of a certain red-headed co-worker.

That's right, my readers. Maylene's a redhead!

At least, I thought that she qualified as a red-headed person, since my brother's stomach couldn't tolerate any tone or shade of the color-no matter how dark, no matter how light. Hell, pink's enough to give him a healthy dose of incapacitating diarrhea. So it was only natural that claret was perfect enough to rupture his anus to the point of no return.

Then there was the option of taking him to meet his death in the form of the red thing, uh, I mean, Grell. That was technically outside of what Sebastian defined as "here." Don't get me wrong! I love my deadly sexy honey-pumpkins, but I just had to disobey him. Just this once. I promise I won't ever disobey him again.

Sebastian and I returned to the foyer just in time for Ciel to order me this:

"Mer, I want you to be in charge of these three so read these guidelines that Sullivan sent in advance."

For some reason, I felt nauseous as he and the butler went elsewhere. In spite of the sudden sickness, I nodded my head and took the paper with this written on it:

_Dear Earl Phantomhive,_

_As you are probably already aware, I am quite the peculiar guest to accommodate so I have prepared a list of certain conditions to help prepare you for my arrival. I sincerely apologize for my eccentricities and hope that this does not affect our business relationship._

_Eternally grateful,_

_Lord Creux Beauregard Sullivan_

_Conditions:_

"Condition One: Lord Sullivan must not be in the presence of any shade of red and the color itself. For example, pink, burgundy, magenta, maroon, etc," I read, glancing at Finni, who wailed. He clutched at his red hair clips, which held his bangs from his eyes. He overlooked the parts of his shirt that were red.

"No! How am I supposed to see?" he wept, green eyes turning watery.

"Don't worry, Finni. I can help you with that," I assured him, but Maylene started to worry.

"But Mer! My hair-"

"Now, Maylene," I interrupted, hopelessly in denial. "I'm sure that Lord Sullivan has made an exception for red-headed people." My focus was on the list, hoping against the inevitable. "Condition Two: Condition One applies to clothes, accessories, food, and people."

The maid moaned, grabbing at her hair. "What am I going to do!"

I should be the one asking that question. This was a difficult situation, like giving news that you don't want to deliver.

* * *

><p>"I didn't want to tell you like this, Claude, but it's better late than never," said Sebastian Michaelis to his son, sitting next to his wife, Claudia. The green-eyed woman seemed mildly uncomfortable with the upcoming topic, a part of her past she didn't want her son to know. It took some persistent urging from her husband to persuade her into being in the same room while he discussed her long-kept secret.<p>

"What is it you need to tell me, Dad?" asked the bespectacled young man, eighteen years of age. He was the spitting image of both parents, his features strong and confident. Sebastian squeezed his wife's hand.

"Actually, your mother would like to say something," he replied. His spouse adjusted the glasses on her face and cleared her throat.

"Well, son, before I married your father, I was different," she said, painfully vague. Claude arched an eyebrow, but nodded his head as if that fact was already known.

"If this is about you not going for his type, then I already know about that, Mum," he informed, fixing a crease in his school uniform pants. He'd have to iron them some more if he had to smooth it out again. His mother shifted her weight, straightening out a crease in her skirt. It was true that she was the mother of this child, however…

"No, Claude. Before you were born, I used to be…thinner than I am now," Claudia clarified poorly, reaching for a picture she kept in her necklace. She handed it to her son while biting her lip in a nervous habit. He evaluated it closely. It was his father and a brunet man, the latter person wearing a stern expression.

"I don't understand," he admitted. "Who is that?"

"His love for you will still be the same, dear. Tell him," Sebastian advised. Claude got even more confused.

"That man in the picture is William T. Spears, the man I used to be and the reason why you look more like him than the woman I am now," Claudia finally confessed, struggling to keep her composure as her son grew silent, shocked by the truth. She turned on her husband. "See? I told you he wasn't-"

"No, Mum," the black-haired teen interjected. "I have something to tell you, too."

"What, son? What is it?"

"…I have a boyfriend."

"Well, that wasn't as shocking as I thought it would be-"

"He's twelve."

Mother Claudia decided to have a late abortion.

* * *

><p>"So what are we gonna do, Mer? You might be in charge, but Sebastian's gonna kill us if we do anything to insult our guests!" Bardroy stressed. Think, Mega erotic rabbit, think! Brain Blast! I could simply cover Maylene's head with a wig and I think I had a costume similar to Finni's. I kept some in our room for, y'know…special occasions.<p>

"Bardroy, wait in the kitchen and please don't do anything until I get there. Maylene and Finni, you're coming with me," I commanded, turning to the tea-sipping butler. "Tanaka…you're fine where you are."

"Hohoho…?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

I rushed up the stairs with the gardener and maid in tow, guiding them into the room where the former and I stayed. It wasn't difficult to guess which bed belonged to whom. The cock-blocking kitten-I named him Merry, after me and Sebastian's first child-from before liked to pretend we were roommates and laid on my bed while I discussed my plans to him. I don't know how he was still alive. I haven't fed him. I guess my butler fed him for me, like a good daddy should!

I sat Finni down at the vanity, taking the red hairclips from his long locks and started to brush his hair. After that, I told him to change into his new shirt. Out of the four categories of sexy, I noticed that he was Adorably Sexy and almost had a PNE-a premature nose ejaculation.

"Finni…did I mention that you're awfully handsome like this?" I told him and his cheeks turned red. He stood up, bashful.

"Gee, Mer. Y-You think so?" the blond stammered, overloading my cute meter. Maylene seemed to agree with me, also.

"You look so nice, Finni!" she exclaimed, hands clasped together. I grabbed her by the shoulders, then sat her down in front of the mirror. I called for Merry and he got me a black wig from my secret bunker. After unfastening Maylene's bristly pig tails and wrapping her hair up, I placed the mop of hair on her head.

She seemed to love it, traces of a PNE showing in the mirror.

"I look mysterious, yes, I do!" was her gushing response. "I do love a good mystery!"

Okay, that was taken care of. I went down to the kitchen and had Bard assist me in the kitchen. He confided in me that he was thrilled with the idea of actually cooking without Sebastian hurrying him out once he got the dynamite lit. I knew that my butler was a tyrant to most of my co-workers, but the fault wasn't entirely his own on setting things right. It was made clear that they couldn't do their jobs correctly.

However, if it was me, I would channel their destructive energies effectively. How? Well, by being my little bunnies, my personal matchmakers. The obvious match being Sebastian and I, of course. Get them to drop certain facts about me like, "Say, Sebastian? Did you know Mer can spot a fine posterior from yards away?" and "Mer likes a man who can cook a good meal and make a good meal out of her." Am I pouring it on too thick? Yeah, I thought so, too.

But I might not even get to live to see the day that my maroon-eyed magpie and I get to finally act on the very strong tension between us if I didn't figure out how to best my red-hating brother. How could I possibly hope to do that, with Sebastian watching my every move? Time was running short. The food was done, all necessary preparations have been made, and-

Was that the door opening?

The aforementioned butler had went past me without my noticing and came back with Creux Sullivan. He wasn't too hard to miss, with his all-purple coat and trousers. The guy had long navy hair, fashioned in one large braid that went down his back. His bangs were wavy, sitting atop his thin eyebrows. He drew those on after waxing them completely off. He totally knew that he was going to be in the company of handsome men today and I'd be damned if he made a move on mine!

Creux, at long last, looked in my direction when he was finished acquainting his eyes with _my _butler's fine ass and put a smile on his gay little face.

"Sebastian, has my sister been a fine servant?" he haughtily questioned. "Or has she just been servicing in the best way she knows how?"

Oh, that glitter-bathing, ass-licking, son of a Grell! Look at him, trying to rile me up with his blasphemous lies! I'm not a whore! I mean, for Sebastian, anything! But I don't even have the proper certification to take that from a guy who takes in more penis than a men's stall before I can prove that to be true!

Sebastian knew better to ignore that last comment.

"Lord Sullivan, Mer has been a satisfactory addition to our staff here at the Phantomhive Manor. It is a shame that her stay here is only temporary," my lovely hunk of man complimented, glancing back at me with that "come hither" gaze. As expected, Creux was displeased with that answer.

"Hmm. Well, I'm sure Father would be glad to hear that…if he wasn't despairing," he said, aiming his brown eyes-full of shit-at me as he spoke. "Where is Earl Phantomhive?"

"In the dining room. Surely, you are hungry after such a long trip?"

First of all, that just took away the joy I had from that compliment he gave me earlier. Second of all, we only lived thirty minutes away. I know that his ass wasn't _that _delicate from all the poundings-

"Yes, thank you. Did you prepare the meal, Sebastian?"

"No, Lord Sullivan," Sebastian said, guiding the purple pansy to the dining room. The dining table was set up perfectly, all of the dishes void of red, unfortunately. Ciel was a gracious host, as always, but did he necessarily have to accommodate his guests? You would think that with the level of arrogance he had, it would overpower my brother's enormous, enema-inducing fear of red.

"Welcome, Lord Sullivan," the _shota _greeted. "The meal is courtesy of our cook, Bardroy, and the desserts are made by our _boulangère, _Mer."

"I hope that you enjoy, sir," I said to my brother, with way more respect than he really deserved. He harrumphed lightly, going to sit down and eat. Yes, I was sure that he enjoyed, judging by the plenty of sausages that he jammed hungrily down his throat. Creux might have been the dainty type, however, there was nothing dainty about his table manners. He ate hard and fast, much like the way he engaged in his orgies in MY bed, no less.

Before I did anything rash, I escorted myself to where my fellow servants were-behind where the Young Master sat, yet, out of the way. I made my place between Bardroy and Finni, Maylene fidgeting with her "mysterious" new hairstyle.

The taller blond to my right leant down to whisper in my ear, trying to confirm what I was already aware of.

"Mer…uh, call me crazy, but is that a relative of yours?" the cook inquired, keeping his voice low. I nodded my head. Finni and Maylene gasped at the revelation, the maid having stars in her eyes-well, I figured that would be the case if you could see past her thick glasses lens.

"He's so handsome, yes!" she enthused, steam billowing out of her ears. Just another sign of a PNE. Then she deflated, realizing something. "It's a shame that he doesn't like redheads…"

I scoffed. "My brother is not fond of the fairer sex, regardless."

"What do you mean, Mer?" was the innocent response of the adorable Finnian. Oh, would it be wrong to spoil this cute child's mind with the information of my brother's sexual preferences?

"What I mean, Finni, is…there is…um," I struggled, wrapping my finger in my hair. Luckily, Sebastian intervened.

"Mer, would you go get the blueberry square cakes? Our guest has quite the sweet tooth. A bit _too _sweet," he ordered. Might I add, with such conviction! Like I was responsible-oh, I saw what he did there! Creux must have laid his hands on my man! Hell, no! I cannot let this continue. Whether or not my next course of action violated my sweet Sebastian's trust in me did not matter anymore! Purple pansy was going down and not in a way that Grell would like.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Uh-oh. What is Mer's plan? Will her chances with Sebastian be terminated because of it? Tune in next time and review! Oh, and those of you who gave your opinions in the last chapter will be making your cameo in the next chapter after this! YAY! Are you excited! But give me some time, okay? I get out of college on winter break on December 12th, so hang tight! Love you~!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>VIII. The Baker, Punished<strong>

I went into the kitchen to retrieve the rest of the desserts, Ultimate Revengeface gracing my features. I have figured out a way to inconspicuously ruin my brother's reputation and possibly our business relations with the Phantomhives, but that's not important. What was important was me getting my brother before he started to serenade Sebastian with his false allegations. Deviously determined, I rolled the pastries and an extra glass of wine into the dining room.

"Ah, my sister is such a good servant. I can't wait to have her back home," Creux said to my butler, who just stood idly by. Humph! Way to defend the mother of your eighty babies, Sebastian! Well, my gay brother was going to regret that statement once he finds out the hard way what I have in store. As I placed the desserts in front of him, I forcefully made myself look like a fool as the last dish _accidentally _(wink) tipped the glass of wine onto his lower half. But wait! This does not qualify as revenge, yet, my readers. Oh, no…Insert evil laugh here.

Most of the wine spilt onto the floor, ruining his boots. Ciel sighed, clenching the bridge of his nose. My brother-the other navy-haired nuisance-stood up quickly, his face reddening in anger. Or was that embarrassment? Either way, I was pretty sure that the end result would please me. Creux's eyes were narrowed as he aggressively took a step towards me, accusation in his voice.

"You did that on purpose, you little bitch!" he yelled in French, thinking that our native tongue would sweeten up what was really being said. I decided it was a good time to lay on my "Best Actress" skills. I backed away timidly, lifting my arms up as if I was anticipating a beating.

"Please, brother! Do not hit me!" I frantically exclaimed, dropping the silver platter as _strategically _(wink) as I could. I didn't know if my acting was expert enough to fool Sebastian, whom I knew could see through everything I set up, but it was satisfactory to a point where he had to interrupt our exchange. He bowed to my brother, the look on his face apologetic, but as he went on speaking, Mr. Nice Butler was disappearing fast.

"I apologize, Lord Sullivan, for the mess Mer caused. However," my lovely man continued, "her mistake is not an excuse to strike her. It is ungentlemanly…despite your preferences. The washroom is upstairs, third door to your left. There are some spare clothes there, should an event like this occur."

I could see Creux's balls drop from my place behind Sebastian as he was making his way out of the dining room. He turned around to glance at my (faux) tear-stained face.

"Mer, I need to talk with you," he told me, directing his attention to Maylene. "Maylene, clean this mess up."

"Right away, sir!" she chirped. Oh, bollocks. It's about to go down. The maid charged to the mess, her boot landing on the silver platter. The floor was still slick from the wine and she took off. She screamed, sliding in my moping brother's direction, thus colliding with him and knocking the wig off of her head. Before he knew it, my brother had a redheaded maid straddling him and readers, we both know that it wasn't in a way he would like.

Even from here, I could see that his cheeks were puckered. Yes, those cheeks. The ones on his face were affected, too, puffed out and a wonderful shade of green.

"Ruh-Ruh-Red!" he stammered roughly, getting out from under the blushing maid and heading out of the dining room. Then, a girl's voice that was louder than any voice I have ever heard called, "CIEL~!"

The boy himself paled, a shiver wracking his body. I turned to Sebastian for guidance.

"That would be Elizabeth Middleford, the Young Master's fiancée. It is safe to assume that she would be wearing an abundance of pink," he explained.

Mwahahaha! Twice the ass-rupturing!

"I think my brother needs the water closet, Sebastian," I informed him.

Suddenly, a heavy retching sound traveled throughout the whole mansion and I was caught laughing to myself. Of course, Sebastian wouldn't be Sebastian if something like that escaped his notice. I do believe that I was more fucked than a colorful character in a world where he or she exists as a Japanese animation.

* * *

><p>Obscene language, screaming, and the savage slamming of computer keys. The origin of these sounds could be blamed on three friends gathered in a bedroom, going about their own businesses. One of them was causing most of the noise, playing a zombie-shooting game. Her name was Matilda. She wore large black headphones, her purple-streaked black hair bustling over her eyes as she reacted violently to the offending zombie that dared to injure her character.<p>

"Waah! Get off me!" she cried, as the undead attacker launched on top of her. "Get off of me, you maggot-molester!" The other two, who sat far away on either side of her, glared blankly at their somewhat mentally-imbalanced friend and shook their heads, as if they were trying to figure out how they ended up being friends with her in the first place.

"Dude, take a chill pill! My mum might think I'm doing something to you!" Chin-Chin admonished, squinting her eyes as she carefully arranged playing cards in a pyramid on top of her small coffee table. She almost lost it when the flimsy structure swayed once a brown-eyed girl wearing a Cookie Monster beanie swiped a jar of cookies that was nearby. "Carey!"

"Cookies! Nyahahaha!" Carey diabolically laughed, shoving the treats into her mouth, without no regard for manners. Chin-Chin was about to settle with glaring at the people ruining her concentration when…

_~In A Closet…_

Grell Sutcliff woke up in small, enclosed space. His first thought was summoning his Death Scythe to break out of wherever he was, but he thought that it was over-the-top, even for a woman as beautifully destructive as he was. So he reared his right leg back as far as he could and released it in front of him, causing the structure to splinter apart in a million smithereens.

By the looks of things, Grell was no longer in England.

He was in a room, full of teenage human girls. _Shamefully _dressed girls, to be exact. All of them wore some sort of trousers, seemingly more appropriate for males to wear. The human girls paused what they were doing at the red-clad reaper's captivating arrival. Unfortunately, he could not give them a word of fashion advice before one of them shouted, "What the fuck!" and threw a complicated-looking machine at his face. His poor nose was not spared from being broken as he fell down. Hard.

The updraft that was produced from the unceremonious landing of the red-headed intruder's body blew away Chin-Chin's well-constructed pyramid of cards. Her green eyes widened, and her mood was so deadly, a black aura manifested around her. In a painstakingly slow movement, the bespectacled girl turned her head to the invader-who recovered, nursing his heavily bleeding nose-and stood up, grabbing the coffee table.

"What the fuck are you doing here!" she growled, hefting the furniture piece over her head. Grell found himself ridiculously intimidated and started backing away as the girl with the buns in her hair continued her tongue-lashing: "What the hell is this, Narnia? Bursting out of the wardrobe, huh? Are you the freaking gay faun?"

Before the man could answer, Chin-Chin began to hit him with the table.

"Take that, you freaking asshole! Go back to your Narnia dome!"

"No~!" he wailed, his voice high-pitched and alarmingly effeminate. "Not my face, not my face!"

The green-eyed girl stopped her deep breathing, still holding the bloody table. It was then Carey took over for her friend, a psychotic grin on her face as she knelt down in front of the trembling, horribly-tortured (but really supposed to be dead) stranger.

"Are you alright?" the girl with the brownish-black hair asked, tilting her head and giving the Ultimate Mary-Sue smile. The battered and bruised redhead's eyes grew large with bewilderment.

"What are you talking about? Obviously, I'm-" his sentence could not be completed, thanks to Carey shoving cookies down the long-haired man's throat. Matilda held him still while the force-feeding commenced. Somehow, and by somehow, the authoress means "suddenly-recalling-that-Grell-is-considered-to-be-the-second-strongest-character," Grell discovered the strength to fight off the vicious girls and miraculously escape through the window.

Let's just say that Grell was having a seriously bad day. He happened to land in front of a brunette whose hair was cut in different lengths that just so happened to despise redheads. Her name was Demi Sutaine. She actually had a Ph.D. in ass-kicking and guess who was about to take a crash course? She beat the hell out of Grell and successfully delivered his body to her boss.

"Here you go, ma'am," Demi said, tossing the body on the floor.

"Very good, Hellhound," Mer cackled. "Now, Sebastian's ass is definitely mine! Mwahahaha!"

"But I'm not dead-"

"Shut the hell up, Gigantically retarded ego-maniacal lumpy loser!"

* * *

><p>"What ever mess your brother makes, <em>you <em>will have to clean up, Miss Sullivan, so I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Sebastian told me, giving me the "I-shun-the-scheming-baker" look as he departed to assist my brother.

Despair was the only word that could describe what I felt at the moment as that command pierced through me like an arrow on fire, seasoned with jalapeño peppers. In a way, I guess my brother did eventually become my downfall. I walked into the foyer after I gathered the necessary cleaning tools and cringed at the product of my brother's nausea. Sighing pitifully, I forced myself to mop up the ugly sickness.

I took it upon myself to take a break (I had to; Ciel's fiancée was talking my ears off and I wanted to shove the mop's stick up her ass to make her into a puppet) out in the courtyard. I sat down in the middle of some bushes. Pluto scampered up to me in his human form, wincing at the smell of puke, but he still rested his head on my lap. He was such a sweet gay dog.

"Oh, Pluto. Sebastian must be so angry at me," I murmured. "How am I going to get into his-"

"Good graces?" the butler's voice chimed in, even that wasn't the word I was going to use for "trousers."

"M-Mr. Sebastian!" I stammered, obviously surprised at his sudden appearance. I stood up, swatting at Pluto once he got a little too excited. "I know what I did was a tad bit childish, but I never meant for it to go so far as it did and I apologize for it."

Can anyone say, "That was a goddamn lie"?

"I would graciously accept that apology if it wasn't so insincere. You disobeyed me, Mer, and it is your deception that will endanger you," Sebastian warned. How I understood it: no class, no ass.

"I'm sorry for my dishonesty, Mr. Sebastian, but I only did it so I wouldn't look like a fool in front of you. My brother is notorious for that, you see," I said, hoping that was a good enough excuse.

"If you ask me, that deed has already been done." Ouch! Burn! I walked into that one, I suppose. "However, I am willing to forgive you…on one condition."

"And what would that be?" I asked dreamily.

"Apologize to Lord Sullivan. Grell has decided not to reap his soul."

WHAT! "What is the reason for that decision?"

The red-headed reaper sauntered in on the conversation.

"Setting aside from your sibling rivalry, he has committed no serious damage. He gets to live," he explained. Well, I guess it was safe to say that Grell was forever going to be my enemy for letting my brother live. I sighed again, going off to find my brother. He was about to get in the horse carriage when he saw me approaching. A smug smile appeared on his face, despite the pansy puking episode he went through a few moments earlier.

"Come to finish me off, Mer?" he queried, hair flowing in the wind. I wouldn't be surprised if that had been said to Grell. I mean, this was my nymphomaniac brother. He was not above slutting for his soul.

"No, Creux. I…wanted to apologize," I grudgingly said, wringing my hands together so they won't throttle him to death. Creux chuckled.

"It's not needed," he replied gently, holding me by the shoulders. "I did come on too strongly to that butler and I should've known how possessive you are of your things. I should apologize." I waited pleasantly for what he offered, but it didn't come.

"Dear brother, I am waiting…"

"Fine. I am sorry," he announced, as he climbed inside the carriage, "but make sure that if you _do _manage to get that butler under your skirts tomorrow, bed him twice as hard for me."

As he said this, he passed me a note.

"Because you'd have to be an idiot to miss such an opportunity."

Both of our Ultimate Rapefaces lit up as he left. My brother and I may have hated each other, but we, at least, agreed on one thing and that was being easy for Sebastian. Maybe Creux was going to do something special for me for once. Something so special, that I'd have to be completely and utterly stupid _not _to successfully score with my lovely butler.

But what could it be?

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><p><strong>AN: Yes, what could it be? Well, we'll find out next chapter. And how long should this second installment of "Musings" be? Eighteen chapters, or less? Or more? Give me your thoughts. In the meantime, Review!**


	9. Intermission

**Intermission **

**The Baker, On Hold**

Mer was busy crying at a table in the middle of a conference room, her brother comforting her passively. Creux gave an accusatory glance at the eighteen-year-old authoress that sat at the beginning of the long table.

"You know that this is your fault, right?" he stated, sharp brown eyes narrowing. The recipient of the question squirmed under the glare, making a nervous sound as she drummed her fingers across the tabletop.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she stiffly denied, crossing her arms over her chest. Mer looked up from her tear-stained hands, eyes bloodshot and puffy. She sniffled, trying to convey her thoughts on the recent decision made by the person in charge of writing her biography of sorts.

"Y-You're taking s-so long t-to post my master p-plan to get Sebastian's ass, Beryl!" the indigo-haired baker cried, collapsing into a blubbering mess. Beryl flinched at the dramatics, grabbing a tissue out of a conveniently placed box in front of her and going over to Mer. She took the tissue and seemed to empty her entire nasal cavity into it. "And you claim that you can't upload any sooner!"

"Yeah, Mer. I believe I told you that when I started to have freakin' Writer's Block around my winter break," replied the bespectacled teen, pushing her glasses up. Creux scoffed.

"Beryl, how hard is it to write about the escapades of a baker as horny as my sister?" he demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"First of all, you slut, it's not that simple. I recently got caught up with things and by 'things,' I mean, 'watching Vampire Knight and college life.' Anyway, back to why it's not that simple. Your sister is not just a horny baker, she's a girl striving for the attentions of a butler that seems not to be that interested in her advances and even though this story can be random, I don't want the moment where Sebastian comes to his senses to just happen."

"Kinda how like Grell came onto Ophelia in 'Musings of a New Girl?'" asked a silver-haired boy. Beryl cocked her head to the side, confused.

"Who are you, again?"

"It's me, Andy. Y'know, Undertaker's kid in 'Responsibilities?' The other story you need to finish after this one," Andy answered.

"Of course, of course. But we're not here to address that at the moment, Andy, so let's get you back into the hole you crawled out of…" Beryl said, pushing the boy into a magic vault labeled "Will be started/finished some time this year."

Creux was taken aback at the number of things he glimpsed at before the vault was closed. "You have a lot in store for our audience."

Beryl chuckled. "Yeah. I have an overactive imagination and I need _something _to do with it."

"Besides all of the drawing you do in college? I hear you have to draw nude models…" Mer stated, a flicker of her infamous Ultimate Rapeface appearing.

"Which is blasphemy, if you ask me, but what can you do? I'll try hard not to bleed all over my canvass. Well, Audience, once I organize things, I promise to post chapter nine, well, chapter ten if you count this. Musings a New Servant will end in eighteen chapters so I'll make it as entertaining as I'm able. I hope you had a nice holiday and continue enjoying the new year with Mer!"

"Here's to plenty ass-grabbing and plundering of Sebastian's loins!" cheered the baker, raising a glass of ginger ale. Her brother tilted his glass to hers as they both shared a warm moment of togetherness. Too bad it was in hopes of robbing a man of his sanity…


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

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><p><strong>IX. The Baker, In Heaven<strong>

_Dear Sister,_

_I have the utmost foolproof plan for you, so prepare to be making me an uncle. Before that…incident occurred, Earl Phantomhive and I were discussing his duties to the Queen. Seeing as his business with Her Majesty is confidential, he was only allowed to tell me that he himself could not personally participate in investigating the case tomorrow because he has to appease his fiancée for my…releasing my bowels on _her_, as well. _

_Earl Phantomhive will most likely select only his butler for the task, saying that "he is perfectly capable by himself." Well, after much persuasion on my part (I arranged that he and Lady Elizabeth stay at our family's villa), I put in a word of your "investigative" skills and he agreed to let you join that handsome devil._

_I know that you are very aware of what that means. _

_You and Sebastian will be alone for as long as this case permits. _

_Make me proud (and take some photographs),_

_Creux_

"I'm really excited to be spending the day with you, Mr. Sebastian," I said to the strictly-business butler as we walked outside to the carriage. He had no investigative items on his person, but I couldn't help thinking about how much I wanted to "investigate" his body. In all of its slender and sweet glory, I could only imagine the many ways and combinations in which we could-

"Mer, please refrain from acting inappropriate. This is an investigation, not an outing," Sebastian stated firmly, but all I heard was, "Mer, please refrain from acting enticing before I mount you. This is a promise, not a threat." I know, I know. I desperately need to clean my ears out for the actual moment he says that.

Today was going to be the best chance for me to step things up a bit. I was sure to bring my handy-dandy notebook. Of course, I was going to take a few notes. Some important to this case and some important for _my _case, if you catch my drift.

"I promise I'll be on my best behavior," I vowed. However, that doesn't apply when no one's looking, right? Loophole number one. Tanaka would be escorting us around the London area as we conducted our analysis. Sebastian and I boarded the carriage. I listened intently as he briefed me on the case.

"There has been multiple killings in the London area. Our responsibility is to find out who has been behind these crimes and-Mer?"

I looked up from my rather naughty depiction of the butler and I in a somewhat comprising position. Of course, I was the dominant one.

"Yes, sir? Go on; I was just jotting down a few notes."

"Right. As I was saying…"

Basically, there was a deranged person killing people and leaving their bodies in a severely mangled state. The only thing the killer left behind was a handkerchief. The victims so far all have been members of aristocratic families and we were on our way to the person we thought was next, which was a man named James Kensington, since the last victim was his brother.

As I was drawing myself in my cat suit, the carriage came to an abrupt stop and the pen I was illustrating with made a damaging mark to my butler's perfect face. I was absolutely livid, but managed to keep my composure as I went to investigate the reason behind why we've stopped.

Crumpled up in the middle of the road, there was a richly-dressed girl. Her blue eyes revealed that she didn't seem to care that she came close to dying. She was more uncaring than a boy who had a crazy blond stoner as a friend.

* * *

><p>Ciel, with a huge pain behind his eyes, woke up to an alarming sight. To the left of him was a six-foot balcony door and a slender blond was on the other side of it, standing on the metal railing. The blue-eyed boy sniffed the air and instantly realized the reason why his companion wasn't thinking clearly.<p>

"Alois!" he called forcefully, joining the boy on the balcony. Hazy sky-blue eyes turned to meet him, even more proof that the blond was probably halfway out of his mind. Well, more than he usually was.

"H-Hey, Ciel…man, I just had the craziest idea," drawled Alois, gazing up at the sky. "Wanna hear it?"

"You've been smoking again, have-"

"Y'know how my hair is blond, right? That has to mean that-now, don't lose your shit when I tell you this, cuz this will _blow your mind_-my home planet is the Sun and I'm a friggin' cloud. So if I jump off, it should only make sense that I could just float back home. Are you with me?"

Ciel just nodded his head, not feeling bad about what will soon be identified as an unpreventable act of stupidity. So the blond stoner jumped off the ledge, not a sound coming from him as he fell, plummeting down to earth. Ciel was waiting for any kind of impact, but was surprised when Alois came back up to greet him.

It was then he came to the realization that a syringe had been in his arm the whole time and everything that just happened was in his head.

This would be the last time Alois could convince him that Claude Faustus was "completely harmless."

* * *

><p>"Are you all right?" I asked the dull-eyed girl, after I had hopped out of the carriage. I could see Sebastian's lean frame follow me in my peripheral vision. Her vacant look reminded me of when I first laid eyes on my butler's fine proportions, but mine was far less desolate-looking than hers. She must have been in shock or something. "What were you thinking, laying out in the middle of the road?"<p>

"Lady Marion! Oh, dear!" a blonde woman cried out, approaching the silent girl who laid limp in my arms. She must have been a personal servant to her. Her hazel eyes glared accusingly at us. "What have you charlatans done to Lady Marion?"

"We haven't done anything to cause her current state," Sebastian calmly answered, glancing down at my right arm. Ah, so he had saw me when I was about to grab one of my daggers to jam down the beady-eyed harlot's throat. How dare she call me a charlatan? It wasn't my fault some dumbass girl decided to lay down in the middle of the road and act like she was struck plumb stupid?

I relaxed then stood up. "She was laying in the road, miss." I recalled something in my notes that wasn't about me and Sebastian getting down and dirty. I addressed the dazed girl. "You wouldn't happen to be Marion Kensington?"

Marion's servant seethed. "Watch your casual tone, girl. And what of her identity is so important to someone like you?"

This bitch was asking for a big old hug, and by hug, I meant, "blade in the baby-launcher." Sebastian was so good at sensing my anxiety, he stood in front of me and as much as I loved looking at his ass, I actually couldn't marvel at his handsome tail for some reason. That woman really was getting me hot and not in a good way. Not like I go that way or anything…

The servant woman seemed to grow intimidated at Sebastian's tall form. "Yes? What do you need?"

"My name is Sebastian Michaelis, ma'am," he introduced politely, smiling eerily all the while. He gestured to me. "My assistant here is Mer Sullivan, and Miss Kensington's identity is of great importance to us so if we could just have a few words together, I'm sure we can explain our interest in her."

The blonde woman blinked, obviously soiling herself at the seductiveness of my honey's persuasive words. We traveled to a manor located west of London, guided by the servant, who revealed that her name was Heather. Once we were inside, we were told to sit down in the living room while she went to get James Kensington. Sebastian remained standing. It was awkward for me because the seat I happened to sit in was parallel to where the entranced Marion was.

She kept staring at me.

Hoping that she would redirect her gaze elsewhere, I tried to avoid her piercing stare by looking at my hands in my lap.

Then a brittle voice spoke: "You're very beautiful. Just like him."

Just what was I supposed to say to that? I don't go for chicks, but I'm fine with-

"Dickens, me. Did I say that out loud? I'm sorry," Marion apologized, red flushing her face. I laughed nervously.

"No, it's fine. I'm quite…flattered, actually," I lied.

"Either way, it was rude of me. You'll have to forgive me; ever since my brother's…passing, I haven't been able to govern myself properly. That incident on the road was my third attempt at suicide."

Wow, that was an ideal conversation piece. I directed my attention at Sebastian. His eyes told me not to comment any further on the subject, not that I was going to.

"Thomas and I were close. To think that he has left James and I on this earth the way he did breaks my heart…" Marion sighed, a gloved hand on her heart.

"He is in a better place now, Lady Marion. He suffers no more," Sebastian assured.

"My good man is right, Mary. Our little brother is at peace; don't make him worry."

A man-presumably Lord Kensington-descended the stairs with Heather, baring a conveniently odd resemblance to Sebastian. As to why it was convenient, Beryl has failed to explain. I stood up, curtsying to show my manners. The black-haired man nodded to me, about to turn away when he found an unknown reason to keep his eyes on me.

James stepped over to me, immediately placing his hands on my shoulders.

"May I ask why God allowed one of his heavenly children fall to this earth?" he charmingly asked, moving his hand to my face. Damn, why did his voice sound so sexy? Mer, you must remain faithful to the future father of your one-hundred children!

"Flattery seems to run in this family, doesn't it, Mr. Sebastian?" I chuckled, internally begging the butler to separate me from Lord Kensington. I happened to catch an amused smirk go across the black-clad man's face. He was taking humor in my molestation…or was he turned on by it because he wanted to be in the lord's place? I took out my book and wrote down under Sebastian's Turn-ons, "loves to see me man-handled."

"Lord Kensington, I trust that you are aware that you might be targeted next by the Aristocrat Assassin," Sebastian stated, taking away from James's amorous mood.

"It is not a thing I would bring up in front of such lovely company," he commented pointedly, toying with my chin now, "but yes. If you are investigating, I only ask that you tread lightly. Whoever it is has a penchant for swordplay…there was hardly anything left of poor Thomas."

I spoke up, removing his hand as politely as I could. "It is probably best that you and your family stay indoors, my lord." James looked like I had given him a little more than advice and took my hands again.

"If it would appease you, my angel, I would happily obey!" he exclaimed, light brown eyes wide. Then the energy behind them dimmed as he realized something. "However, I need to be in attendance at a soirée precisely at seven this evening. It is hosted by one of my business partners, so if I don't attend, he will be prompted to sever his ties with me."

Sebastian inquired, "Lord Kensington, have you met this business partner personally?"

"Sir Kensington conducts his business through me," Heather addressed. "It is my duty to stop him from making rash choices and attending that soirée is one of them. After all, how can he go if he does not know its location?"

And as soon as she said that, I sensed something odd about Sebastian's quick yet devious smile. I couldn't help but reflect on one of Lady Aubergine's warnings.

"_Now, whatever you do, don't ever try to harm Ciel in any way," she warned, her face dead serious. _

"_Why would I do that?" I asked, curious._

"_Believe me, you'll find a reason to. He has a smart mouth that just pisses people off, but if you even mention harming him__-__like I did in Chapter Twelve__-__his butler won't hesitate to kill you."_

"_Kill?"_

"_**Or rape. Depending if you have information or not," she elaborated. **_

I knew I didn't like Heather for some reason. Judging to my predecessor Ophelia Cornelius, Sebastian would do almost anything for the sake of his objective. "Anything" would include charming the bloomers off of that nasty blonde with the beady eyes. But I was sure that Sebastian wouldn't dare strike now. When the time came that he did, I'm willing to still accept him when he comes to his senses… as long as he sanitizes his Johnson afterwards.

"Heather, you are a cruel mistress," James called, sucking his teeth as the blonde woman retreated to what seemed to be her room. He turned back to me. "We've known each other ever since childhood…it is embarrassing that she tries to protect me using such childish measures. If I manage to get that address from her, I could look forward to go with you, dear angel."

This guy really wanted to shove it in me and here Sebastian was, smiling casually at his straightforwardness. I only chuckled, excusing myself to go talk to the butler.

"Please don't tell me that you're going to get that address, Mr. Sebastian," I begged. "Sir Kensington doesn't seem to care that I'm not interested in him."

Sebastian's sly grin was saliva-inducing. "To defy the Queen's orders and not retrieve the address would greatly displease the Young Master." He feigned sadness, his slim eyebrows furrowed and his maroon eyes sorrowful. "Or do you not trust me to protect your virtue once I do retrieve the address?"

Damn his sexy voice!

I shook my head adamantly. "I trust you, Mr. Sebastian. I just worry about Heather's virtue…"

He rose an obsidian eyebrow at me, then understood what I was trying to imply. "That sort of approach won't be necessary," he said flatly, seeming like he was as disgusted as I was to contemplate such a thing. The grin made another appearance. "Unless you would prefer to shorten our time together?"

"Mr. Sebastian, I thought I was the only one warned not to act inappropriate," I giggled, especially pleased at the direction our analysis was turning.

"Pardon me?"

Crap! My damn defective ears has successfully deceived me into hearing what I wanted to hear and I believed it. According to outside sources, Sebastian didn't say that last statement. Instead, he said something about Heather tying me and James's wrists together.

"N-Nothing. I apologize; my mind has been all over the place," I stammered. Sebastian just left me to my own devices, meaning that it was only James, Marion, and I in the room. James continued to spout doting comments at me, making Marion chuckle as I winced. Fifteen minutes passed. Sebastian came out, looking rather triumphant as he went to join us.

"Miss Heather has been courteous enough to give me the address. She has asked in return that you, Sir Kensington, stay behind, since the Aristocrat Assassin might target the location," he announced. I repressed the urge to cheer.

"Then how is he supposed to attend?" Marion asked. I suddenly realized why the resemblance between Sebastian and James was so convenient.

"Sebastian can go in his place; the resemblance between you two is almost spot-on," I noticed. Besides, the host and James never met personally, anyway.

"You would need a guest to go with you," James inputted.

"That could be arranged," Sebastian said, walking over to me and extending his hand. "Miss Mer Sullivan, would you like to be my guest?"

I nearly fainted.

* * *

><p>It was seven on the dot when the carriage dropped Sebastian-or should I say, James?-and I off to the party. It was hosted by a man named Liam Howard, the owner of many prosperous mines. We were greeted by him as soon as we went inside his brightly lit manor.<p>

"Lord Kensington, it is nice to finally meet you face to face!" he welcomed jovially, giving Sebastian a rapid handshake. He was looking mighty delectable in James's clothes, might I add. I promised my brother I'd bed him twice as hard and with what he had on, that was definitely a promise I was going to fulfill. I suppressed my Ultimate Rapeface to greet Lord Howard.

"Ah, is this Lady Kensington?" the brunet questioned, kissing my gloved hand. Marion lent me her gloves. They made me look beautiful, she had unabashedly admitted. Sebastian suddenly curled his fingers along my side, coaxing me closer to him as he pressed his lips against the crown of my head. Ah, the explicit things I wanted to do to him~!

"We've been married for two years. Isn't that right, dear?"

The heat that I was producing was enough to reduce the Thames to steam. I snuggled next to my husband-oh, God, that sounded so _right_!-and smiled as big as I could.

"Yes, love. We were planning to have out first child in May, but my James is very impatient," I easily said, going along with this act perfectly. Howard let us leave him so we could enjoy the festivities. I went straight towards the wine, but Sebastian stopped me.

"I'd prefer it if you stayed away from the wine, dear. It won't be good for the baby," he reminded me. So? Our imaginary baby wasn't stopping me from plowing that ass so why should it from trying alcohol? It was then I realized that he meant he wanted me consciously aware while we were trying to solve this case.

Fuck that.

While he was observing the crowds, I downed two glasses of wine and regretted it. First of all, the wine had such a horrible taste and I think that I was a lightweight when it came to maintaining alcohol because I quickly became lush. To any of my readers who've ever been drunk or always wanted to be drunk, don't ever do it. I tried to keep my composure for reason that the small orchestra started to play a waltz and Sebastian wanted me to dance.

I complained to him that I had no experience whatsoever.

"You'll learn today, then. You've always been a quick learner," my husband remarked, placing one of his hands around my waist. He instructed me gently as I drunkenly swerved along with his rapid movements. Even drunk, I guess I could successfully manage listening to Sebastian.

"Do you see him?" he whispered to me. I could barely remember my name.

"W-Who do you mean?" I replied, trying to quiet the churning in my stomach. Damn, my alcohol tolerance was pathetic!

"Over my shoulder. He has been watching us. Mostly you, to be correct," he corrected himself, twirling me around twice then bringing me forwards then backwards. I was disoriented, but able enough to see a strange man with glasses. He didn't seem to be an aristocrat, but he carried himself like one. He was dressed in crisp clothes, too impeccable to be a commoner. As soon as I looked away from him, darkness overcame the ballroom and I was carried away.

I began to squirm in my captor's grasp, beating at his chest. I could see that he made off with me in a bedroom and as soon as he set me down, I reached for one of my weapons. Unfortunately, my wrist was seized.

"Relax," a familiar voice urged me. Sebastian? "The ballroom is dangerous at the moment. I've decided that this is a more suitable place for…discussion."

Oh, snap. The slightly parted lips. The steamy, smoldering gaze that seemed so powerful that it glowed. So this was the Rapeface that Lady Cornelius warned me about…the face that I couldn't bare to look at without feeling threatened. I found myself backing away from my dangerously horny butler, suddenly no longer motivated to sink my teeth in him. There had to be something wrong. Wait a minute…since when did Sebastian have golden eyes?

"Mr. Sebastian!" I called, knowing that he would be able to hear me somehow. A few seconds must have passed when the real butler came into the room, sending a nasty look to the imposter. If I studied my predecessor's language correctly, she would describe it as a "what-you-doin'-with-my-bitch" look, right?

"I thought I sensed a pest. Mr. Faustus, have you lowered yourself to a common burglar…again?" he asked the doppelganger, who reverted to his true form.

"The last time I've checked, Michaelis, you are not bound to this girl's soul," he contended. My sexy butler almost glided his way over in my direction, standing behind me. Were we going to do it _that _way in front of the Faustus fellow? I'm too shy for that!

"That's where you're mistaken. Mer's soul might not be marked as my territory, but as long as she remains in my sight, she still belongs to me," Sebastian declared tauntingly, gently clutching my shoulders. He lowered his face next to mine and dragging his tongue up my cheek. "Her heart, her mind, and eventually…her body."

This couldn't possibly be real. My mind is just being very, very cruel to me. Sebastian really meant what he said? Was he really serious? I was beginning to doubt the reality when the sly butler promptly kissed the side of my neck.

"Distract him while I apprehend the assassin, won't you, _chére_?" my Sebastian suggested. My Lecher Ladylove powers activated and I grabbed a sword that was strapped to my thigh. I charged at the imposter, feeling more invincible than Grell on a sugar high. I eventually overpowered Faustus to the point he became more serious and pulled out golden silverware. Wait, what?

I soon discovered that he was very skilled at using them as weapons. By the time I withdrew, the dress I was wearing had tiny gashes in the sleeves. This was so unfair. How was I going to keep my promise to Creux now, with some silverware ninja trying to kill me?

I had an idea.

"Faustus, you wouldn't kill me, correct?" I asked.

"I wouldn't dare endanger the succulent soul you possess," he responded.

"Well…all right. Whatever the reason, could you not interfere with Sebastian and I ever again? I'd like my soul in place when I finally woo him into submission."

"Submission?" Faustus laughed. "You hope to woo a demon into submission?"

"Yes, I fully intend to-" I started to say, then caught onto an important detail. "Demon?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: *le gasp* How will Mer react to knowing the truth? Again, guys. Sorry for the delay; I was really battling the annoying beast known as Writer's Block. As you can see, I won! So leave a review and stay tuned!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor. **_**in other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!**

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

* * *

><p><strong>X. The Baker, Surrenders<strong>

I started to nervously wring my hands. Demon? My dearest Sebastian? I felt my heart drop into my stomach as Faustus looked rather smug. He wasn't wearing my butler's face anymore. His complexion was as pale as the moon, and his hair was slightly swept to the side.

"Have you ever wondered why he seems so capable of accomplishing every task given to him? Why he never seemed to have time for you?" he interrogated, making extremely valid points. "Demons, when motivated properly, will do anything for their daily bread."

This brought on a slew of questions. Despite my internal sexual monologues, I was a God-fearing young lady. Would I automatically be sent to Hell because I was in love with a demon? Or could that be a transgression wished away with a few prayers for forgiveness? I ultimately came to the decision that God would simply accept me as I am:

A horny baker girl.

* * *

><p>Mer Sullivan, restored to her prime, stood before the pearly gates of Heaven. She had died a doting grandmother, loving to all of her fifteen children. An angel guided her to meet God, the figure she had prayed to everyday for the loins of her husband, a demon who went by the assumed name of Sebastian Michaelis. She wanted to thank him personally for such an awesome life.<p>

"Welcome home, my child," said a disembodied voice, booming from some unknown location. "Why the surprised look on your face?"

Mer blanched. "Oh, Heavenly Father, I thought I was going to banished to Hell for loving a demon."

"Nonsense, Mer. You're already forgiven for that."

"What?"

"Who do you think let you get that ass in the first-" God started, but was interrupted by some sort of feedback noise. "B-Beryl, you can't be here, yet!"

"God, please! You're gonna spoil it!" the authoress cried.

"Jesus, woman, you're taking too long to get to that point so I might as well."

A man with long brown hair appeared next to the perplexed Mer. "Did someone call me?"

* * *

><p>"Well?" Faustus called, wanting a response out of me. "You don't expect to believe that Michaelis is worthy of your attentions? He is simply goading you on to complete his own goals…for his little master."<p>

There was a glint of lust in his golden eyes that put my Ultimate Rapeface to shame when he mentioned Ciel. I finally gathered enough courage to speak.

"That may be true, Mr. Faustus, but you fail to understand how much work I put into getting even a simple word of praise from him," I said, lightly stroking where my butler kissed me and I smiled tauntingly. "Unless you are jealous…?"

A stream of moonlight conveniently hit Faustus's glasses lens, shielding his reaction to my accusation.

"I should be asking the same of you," he retorted cleverly, adjusting the spectacles. "Every task he does is for Earl Phantomhive. That is only focus, his only goal. You have your own tasks, I suppose, yet your mind is absorbed by what tactics you need to resort to in order for Michaelis to look at you."

Damn you, Wikipedia! So he was right. What did he want? A cookie? There were times I was considering giving up my pursuit. I would return to being a simple girl, unknowingly sleeping in my brother's sexual filth and bathing myself in the frosty Thames river. I wouldn't be full of that fiery determination Sebastian filled me with.

Faustus continued to voice his opinion. "However, _I _would not be as cruel as he."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You might think me as an impostor, Lady Mer, but I am still every bit of capable as your beloved butler," he replied and I chucked a dagger at him. He moved quickly to the right, but the blade nicked the bridge of his nose. A drop of blood trickled down to his chin. Suddenly, the seven-inch appendage known as his tongue lapped the crimson mess up into his mouth. He smirked, as if he knew about my mind and its perverted tendencies.

"Is that all you have to offer me?" I questioned, acting as if I hadn't been impressed when I really was thinking if Sebastian had something on his person that lengthy.

"Only the attention you deserve," he tempted, turning his palm towards me. I decided that…

* * *

><p>After Sebastian apprehended the Aristocrat Assassin, he didn't seem to question my odd silence as we were escorted back to the Phantomhive manor. Once we reached our destination, he happened to notice that I didn't try and grab his ass as we walked into the foyer. Ciel seemed to be back from his small vacation with Elizabeth at my family's villa.<p>

"I trust that you've solved the case," he supposed, sporting his arrogant _shota _expression.

"Yes, m'lad," I answered, trying to disguise the fatigue in my voice. "May I be excused?"

Ciel seemed taken aback. Usually, he was answered by a more cheery tone since I was convinced that he was way too cute for his own good. However, that wasn't the case. "Of course, Mer."

I went up to the room that belonged to Maylene and I, ignoring Merry's concerned meows as I collapsed onto the bed and slept like a baby. On the next morning, I woke up and saw that there was a brightly-colored ball gown laying on the corner of my bed. A note was on top of it.

_Dear Mer, _

_The Young Master wishes for you to wear this dress when our special guest arrives. Do not come downstairs until I give you permission. I am preparing the downstairs area and I would like for you and the rest of the servants to not disturb me. _

_-Sebastian _

I wondered who the special guest was because if it was Ciel's fiancée again, I was going to ask Finni to kill me by means of hugging. Pluto setting me on fire would suffice. Or Bardroy could put a couple sticks of dynamite around me to blow me to bits. That way, my soul would be deaf and I wouldn't have to worry about hearing "Ciel~!" ever again.

But enough about how I could kill myself.

I refreshed myself and put on the cerulean dress, sitting on my bed to go over my "Sebastian's Turn-ons" notebook. The two items were still the same: Cats and Information. There was a knock on my door. I hid the notebook and got off the bed, answering it. Sebastian was on the other side.

"We're about to receive our guest, Mer. Would you join me?" he said, lending me his arm. I gladly obeyed as he guided me down the hall to the stairs.

"Why is this particular guest 'special'?" I inquired.

"Today is the day she was born."

"Is that so? It just so happens…"

I am so stupid.

"Happy Birthday, Mer!" exclaimed the Phantomhive servants, along with other houseguests. My brother was the only face I recognized.

"You are a very cruel man, Mr. Sebastian."

"You must even be more cruel than I not to reveal such an important event. Lord Sullivan wanted to make up for his behavior towards you," the smirking man explained.

There were several reasons why I hated my birthday. I never got what I wanted (which I'm pretty sure applied to Sebastian's ass), something embarrassing always happens at the party that was required in everyone's birthday celebration. Of course, in the last celebration, my father was so ashamed that I had to get a job and reimburse him one-hundred thousand pounds.

"Mer, I took it upon myself to have your birthday celebration here. Is everything to your liking?" Ciel asked. I finally got to do what I've been itching to do since I was chastised for it:

I glomped Ciel, all while saying, "Thank you for being so kind, m'lad. Even though I wasn't expecting this…"

He straightened his clothes once I released him. "Well, I'm glad that you feel that way. Try to enjoy yourself; it only comes once a year."

That's what he said. The Earl gestured to Sebastian. What was next? It was then my love for my butler reached a whole new level when he started to sing "Happy Birthday" to me in French. He urged me to blow out the candles on a ridiculously sized cake. I did as told and went on to cut a huge piece of vanilla cake. So I was a glutton. So what? My brother joined me.

"Tell me, sister," he goaded, eyebrows high. "Was he as good as he is attractive?"

I tittered nervously. "Of course. I couldn't barely cut the cake, I'm so tuckered out."

"You were interrupted, yet again?"

"Yes."

Creux sighed, placing his fork down on his plate. "I expected as much. Solving a murder doesn't leave much room for romance, does it?"

I nodded my head, staring at my feet. Black shoes came into view. I glanced up and saw Sebastian's panty-dropping face.

"May I have this dance?" he drawled. He didn't have to ask me twice! We danced for a few moments and in the time we did, he began to speak to me about last night's events.

"If this is about your devilishness, then your secret is safe with me," I told him, curtsying once our dance was over. He smiled.

"You are rather accepting, Miss Sullivan. Perhaps a symptom of becoming one year older?"

"Yes," I said, standing on my toes to kiss his cheek. I didn't seem to enjoy it, considering what was coming. "That is why I have to tell you that I resign from childishly pursuing you."

I walked away from Sebastian, not before taking a gander of that wonderful tush of his before I was taken away by Claude and his promises of devotion.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Betcha didn't see that coming! Mer officially has surrendered! What will happen now that she has given up on Sebastian? Will she give the only thing that's precious to her to Claude, instead? **

**Review to find out! Oh, and one more important thing:**

**Strawberries or Cherries? **


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

**To Sebassy-chan: Y'know, that's what I was afraid of. I wish you were here earlier in the story! It's strange how you mention Mer's character not being "fleshed out" because in the first place, I wanted readers to antagonize her for her single-mindedness. But I was hoping to (finally) have her have some sort of epiphany in this chapter. Thanks for the insightful review and I'm not insulted by it. Matter of fact, I love you for it. No one likes to be critiqued, but it's not reasonable to have a whole tub of hate for the person trying to help out. I want to hear from you more often, to see if I did a decent job here.**

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><p><strong>XI. The Baker, Seriously Musing<strong>

**(In which Mer is serious for the first time in her life...)**

It's been three days living with Claude. He had taken me to an abandoned manor, judging by how everything seemed to be a little less welcoming. Of course, it wasn't a problem for him to tidy things up. I noticed he had a strange ritual as he hopped onto the upstairs banister and began tap-dancing.

After his performance, he was able to change the manor's dusty appearance in less than two minutes. It was impressive, but I didn't feel impressed. I guess he was eager to show off now that I decided to leave the Phantomhive manor. I wondered occasionally how Sebastian was doing then shook myself out of it. He was probably glad that the arrogant and improper baker girl was out of his life.

I absentmindedly carried out the tasks I was responsible for back there. Claude didn't seem to care that I was baking too much. He even went so far as to taste the pastries I made and said that the flavor was too bitter. I didn't care. My passiveness had branched out in one thing I loved to do: baking. Was I that desperate for a man that it's affected my passion?

It was difficult to accept that he didn't want me, yet why not accept what was so painstakingly obvious? Although I had surrendered, the girl with the determination of a single-minded shark was urging me to go back. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "Go back and take what's yours!"

I watched silently as Claude took off my boot and started massaging my leg. It wasn't as relaxing as it ought to have been. _Sebastian's not yours, _I viciously thought. _He deserves better than you, anyway. Grell has a better chance than _you_ do. _Just what was I thinking back then? Was the goal of getting in Sebastian's pants the _only _thing I had going for me? This is what happens when you come to terms to having no life. It was sad, yet my pig-headed mind had no desire to accept the truth.

It was then I realized that I needed some growing up to do. Deciding to run away from Sebastian wasn't a sign of maturity; it was as equally childish and crude as my goal was. To tell you the truth, readers, all that talk about ravishing Sebastian was all a farce. Most women saw Sebastian only for his looks and charm. I was no different and foolishly went after him in hopes of him seeing me differently. I thought, "Since I'm being more forward, he should accept me."

How wrong I was.

I knew I had a lot of growing up to do if I was confusing lust for love because I was really searching for the latter and I painfully reasoned that it wasn't there with Sebastian. It was like Claude said. He had his duties to Ciel and I was a tool to help him accomplish them. I didn't need to believe that Sebastian loved me in that single moment four days ago. He had been using me, but I held no hard feelings because I had known that he was. It was the _truth_.

But why was I still pining for that man?

"Is this to your liking, Lady Mer?" Claude asked, and I immediately stepped back into reality when he brought his lips to my foot. Nothing, but bile in my throat. Just what was I looking for in Claude, again? The heat in his golden eyes was too much to directly look at. He observed that I was slightly disgusted, and stopped molesting my leg.

"Michaelis might have been right," he commented derisively, taking off my other boot. "He has dominion over you. Your heart and mind."

A sudden wave of rage came over me, and I kicked him in the nose.

"Watch your mouth!" I exclaimed. And here I was, lying to myself once again.

"Is he who you really want?" the imitator challenged, opening his mouth to let his tongue snake across his nose. Oh, why was my inner pervert entertained by that so much? Claude must have sensed my lingering thought for reason he smirked ever-so-slightly. "Are you interested in what a true demon can make you feel?"

How could he gather that from a kick in the nose? Why, he was more desperate than I had been-okay, that might have been an exaggeration. Then again, what he said was true. He _was _a demon, and he was only prepared to cater to me as long as he was able to obtain my soul, which was suddenly appetizing.

Was I searching for love? I certainly wasn't finding it here.

"No, I'm not," I replied. "Your idea of giving me 'what I deserve' is not what I really want."

His interest was peaked. "Oh?"

I laced up my boots and stomped his face, hearing a satisfying crunching noise. I broke his glasses.

Sebastian might never want me, but at least, he never gave me what I _thought _I wanted. In some strange way, it lead me to the conclusion that I was just now starting to fall for him. Not because of his charms, but in helping me realize that I needed to stop being stupid. Really stupid.

And I loved him for it. What could I say?

"Take me back to the Phantomhive manor, Faustus," I commanded. Claude had a strange look on his face, like he was surprised and overwhelmed at the same time. Just as I was about to repeat myself, there was a resounding knock on the door. Claude cleared his throat, straightening himself out as he pulled out an extra pair of glasses. He went over to the door. I followed closely behind, keeping out of the visitor's view.

"Yes?" the butler curtly greeted. A nervous voice answered him.

"A-Ah, yes. I'm h-here a-as a representative of t-the P-Phantomhive Estate."

"Did Michaelis send you?"

"I-I'm here to retrieve Miss M-Mer Sullivan."

The voice was familiar, according to my memory. It was more subdued than the voice I had heard some time ago. I decided to see who came to my rescue. A timid-looking brunet seemed to cower under Claude's emotionless gaze.

"Tell Michaelis that he has missed his opportunity. Lady Mer does not desire to be owned by him," he said.

"M-Mr. Faustus, y-you have to g-give h-her to me o-or e-else," the brunet said, in what seemed to be a less-than-threatening tone.

"Or else, what?" the demon urged. The brunet suddenly smiled, revealing his sharp-toothed grin.

"Strawberries and cherries~!" he cried flamboyantly, charging the butler with a chainsaw. He went inside the foyer and grabbed my hand, hurriedly rushed to get me out of the manor.

"Ms. Grell, what-" I started to say.

"Not now, Sullivan. You don't want to be crushed, do you?" he responded hastily. When I was going to ask what we were in danger of being crushed by, a ton of strawberries and cherries cascaded down on Claude.

"Thank you, Ms. Grell," I said to the Reaper, who just scoffed.

"Don't thank me. Thank Bassy!" he enthused, crossing his arms then getting in my face. "You don't deserve his forgiveness, you know. I am faithful by my man and would never be low enough to do what you've done!"

I was silent, knowing that he was right. He was back in his disguise to drive a carriage back to the manor. I was too ashamed to look Sebastian in the eye and told him that I apologize for the worry I must have caused the others. Mostly to the Young Master for depriving him of his favorite desserts. I was missed by the rest of my co-workers. Even Pluto, who licked my face excitedly.

Then life went on.

Approximately a week after my official surrender to the Phantomhive butler, I found that my life just seemed a bit dimmer than usual. I had set foot in here for the first time, with a purpose: get enough money to pay off my father then get out. When I set my eyes on Sebastian's…assets, that got changed to get enough money to pay off my father and throwing my newfound funds on the handsome butler's unclad body.

Now that I have sorted my feelings out, it was back to being the plain old baker girl who wasn't into achieving anything big. Currently, I was chopping up fruits while contemplating what could gone wrong and how things would have turned out differently. In my distraction, I cut my finger.

"Bollocks!" I swore, stabbing the wooden cutting board.

"Now, now. It's not appropriate for a lady to swear," a smooth voice chastised, sounding disapproving. I sighed. Life is unfair. "What are you upset about?"

Calming down, I answered him, "Apparently, I can't cut fruit right. There is nothing you need to busy yourself with, Mr. Sebastian."

The head butler moved close to me, laying his hands over mine. I had to stop myself from overreacting ("Who have I become?" asks the inner pervert) and took his invasion of privacy in stride. This was Sebastian Michaelis; he was naturally unnerving.

"Gently press down," he instructed softly, guiding my hand and applying pressure. Eventually, the fruit was evenly cut and I thanked Sebastian for his assistance. He didn't leave, though. He took one of the slices and made a spectacle of eating it, grinning down at me.

"Succulent, yet sweet. Perfect flavors for a pie, wouldn't you agree?" he questioned, maroon eyes full of mischief as he pulled away from me. Did he just…no, he wouldn't. He wouldn't even waste his time. I placed the pie in the oven, going outside to the courtyard. Pluto greeted me happily. I welcomed him, scratching his snout. Finnian was nearby, making a mess out of the trees and bushes.

"Hello, Mer!" he cheerfully called, his bright smile receding when he became aware of my slightly disturbed face. "What's the matter?"

"Hello, Finni. Nothing is wrong," I lied.

"You're lying, aren't you?"

What was he, a bloody psychic? In an instant, my inner pervert broke out of her prison and I was too slow to stop her.

"I just don't know what to do. I think Sebastian wants to eat my pie."

"Everyone thinks your pie is great, Mer! Even the Young Master thinks so himself! What's so bad about that?"

"I don't want him to eat my pie just to prove he can have it before anyone else, Finnian," the pervert baker girl said, having enough decency to skip along to the poor gardener's misinterpretation. He didn't need to hang around this side of me. I reigned the pervert back into her cage, feeling the heat creeping up my neck.

"Oh," he simply said. "Then don't give it to him, now. Save it for later. Maybe we could share!"

Oh, Lord, why was my mind such a wicked place?

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><p><strong>Because you can't hide what's inside~<strong>

**A/N: Wow. Mer was actually serious in this chapter. She's really looking to change. How long will that last? Review. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

**To Sebassy-chan: Oh, YAY~! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much. Without you, I probably would have missed out on making Mer more real because at first, I was like, "Mer can be every fan girl mashed into one, single-minded baker." Then I realized that she's not just that. She's a girl who thinks she knows what she wants, but is actually confusing it for something entirely different. So I'm very, very happy that you enjoyed it. Mer can try all she wants, but she'll never get rid of the pervert at heart.**

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><p><strong>XII. The Baker, Genuinely Surprised<strong>

My pie finished baking and, as I was preparing to take a slice to the Young Master, I felt a pair of eyes watching me. I ignored them, trying not to break my focus. Don't know why I needed a particular amount of concentration to carry a pie, but anything not to let myself revert to the way I was. I ascended the stairs, looking over my shoulder discreetly to give in to my paranoia. My eyes met no one in the foyer, or at the bottom of the stairs. I sighed silently, then turned them back ahead.

Of course.

Long legs greeted me when I was halfway up the staircase. They belonged to Sebastian, at whom I casually nodded my head as I went past him in hopes of completing my first task of the day. I continued going right, his footsteps falling lightly behind me.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Sebastian," I said, trying to ease my nerves in the disconcerting silence.

"Good afternoon, Miss Sullivan," he returned, a sultry undertone in his voice that only meant I hadn't imagined his…distracting display earlier. I pretended to be none the wiser to it as I kept my eyes on Ciel's afternoon snack. Avoiding his gaze was not helping me become any less nervous. Get yourself, together, Mer! You're eighteen; practically an adult, now!

"May I ask why you are following me?" I asked the butler, his mere smile enough to send chills down my spine.

"We have the same destination, is all," he simply answered, his maroon eyes dancing with some disturbing emotion. His attention was on the pie I was carrying. "Cherry, correct?"

"Yes," I confirmed.

"You have a natural talent for baking, Miss Sullivan."

Was he just now noticing that? I was offended at his true comment, for some reason. I chose not to let that show on my face as I replied.

"Yes, I do. I believe that is why the Young Master hired me, but we all have our individual talents. Even you, Mr. Sebastian."

He seemed mildly surprised at my jab. He was surely capable of many things (now, considering his demonic nature), and I was hoping that he would just nod in agreement and spare me the details. Sebastian quickly pieced together his composure, breaking the silence once again.

"I hardly call being able to tie a cherry stem in a knot only using my tongue a talent," he casually said, face free of any deviousness. "More of an amusement."

Just a little, the inner pervert stirred. I successfully knocked her out and there was a brief feeling of triumph that washed over me. Sebastian didn't seem to be disappointed at my concentration. Instead, he insisted on keeping my ears entertained. Has he ever been this talkative before? What had to change for him to be this way?

"If memory serves, those are marasca cherries?" he questioned. He didn't even wait for me to confirm his suspicions. "I've used those before in one of the Young Master's desserts. Most cherries, to be exact."

He went on to list all of the cherries he used in baking for Ciel: Lambert, Montgomery, Bing, Royal Ann, and Rainier. So on and so forth. He acted as if it was some kind of amazing past-time he was engaged in and it was starting to get on my nerves when he stopped to ask me something, yet again.

His black hair shifted as he leant forward, the platter the pie slice was on saving me from certain violation of privacy. His voice was lowered to a whisper, like what he had to share with me was conspiratorial. The arms of his tailcoat nearly brushed either side of my face, and I cursed my blood, because it rushed straight to my face.

"Miss Sullivan, do you have knowledge of any _other _cherries I should try?" the cunning devil asked, his eyelids low and irises glowing a strange color. That was the dirtiest pun that I ever heard come from him! The inner pervert jolted from unconsciousness, smirking at his forwardness. Oh, why? I stuffed her back in her dirty little world, trying hard to keep a grip on what I was doing and ducked under Sebastian's arms.

"I-I apologize, Mr. Sebastian. I have no suggestions for y-you," I shakily explained, as I calmly knocked on Ciel's study, resisting the urge to acquaint my hand to my red forehead once I remembered that the demon had the same destination as I did. There was no way to escape this man, was there?

The demon Sebastian was gone, the predatory look on his face replaced with a somewhat discouraged frown.

"How unfortunate," he said, sincere. I heard Ciel's command to enter the room, slightly relieved when I saw that his demonic butler wasn't going to follow me in. I bowed as best as I could with a platter in my hands and presented his afternoon snack to the blue-eyed boy. He looked suspiciously at me.

"Is there something wrong, m'lad? I didn't forget the silverware again, did I?" I interrogated him. The boy sighed, as if he knew something improper was happening.

"Nothing, Mer. Thank you. You are dismissed," he finally spoke. I took the cover off of the pie slice for him, bowed for the second time, and left the room. Sebastian wasn't anywhere to be seen. I heard him yelling at the servants, though. Thankful, I went downstairs to the courtyard to visit my friend, Pluto.

He was in human form this time around, dressed in a suit, and pounced on me as soon as I was in sight. He nuzzled me roughly and I had to yank his hair to get him to stop. He whimpered, not used to me being that aggressive towards him.

"I'm sorry, Plu," I affectionately apologized, ruffling his sky-blue tresses. He knocked my hands away. "Plu?"

"Don't ya coddle up to me, now, Mer," the suddenly coherent dog-man snarled. He had a harsh-sounding (Irish?) accent. He was fixing his hair and straightening his suit as he stood up like an ordinary man. "The damage is done now, ain't it?"

I was in shock. "Y-You're talking…"

"Oh, so Sebastian bein' a dust-cleanin' demon wasn't strange enough for ya!" exclaimed Pluto, whirling around to turn his back on me. He crossed his arms over his chest. His shoulders drooped. "You've never hurt me feelins more than ya did now, Mer!"

He was totally disregarding that I accepted the fact he was a human that could turn into a dog. Or was the other way around? I shook my head, placing my hands on his back.

"I'm truly sorry, Pluto. Will you ever forgive me?" I pleaded, pouring the sweetest sugar into my voice. Pluto hummed in thought, then immediately had me in his arms.

"Ah, I can't stay aggravated at ya!" he growled fondly, burying his nose in my hair. I laughed nervously, tidying myself up. He was still the Pluto I knew though. I guess being a dog couldn't completely leave his energetic character.

"So…does Finni know?"

" 'Course he does! He's a good playmate."

Something warm bloomed in my chest. "Am I, too?"

"No," he curtly responded, killing my mood. He smiled, a fang protruding from his mouth. "You're more like a good friend. I only talk to anyone who bothers to talk to me."

I hummed. "Then why don't you talk to Sebastian?"

A blush darted across his face then. "You've seen how 'e's treated me. 'E hates dogs! But the man's plain irresistible! That's why I liked hearin' ya plot about 'im." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his head bashfully. "Kinda like you're livin' me dreams."

I couldn't believe that Pluto and I had shared the same goal at one point in time. Was that why he ran around naked, sometimes? So Sebastian could chase him around and be attentive to him for just a moment?

_Why didn't _I _think of that? _lamented the inner pervert, kicking her foot dejectedly.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Pluto, but I'm not pursuing after Sebastian anymore," I told him. He tilted his head to the side sharply, his wild hair tousling at the movement. His lips were frowning and his wine-red eyes were wide with astonishment.

"No!" he exclaimed, grabbing my shoulders. "You can't give up."

"Pluto, I've already decided. I…won't go back to that," I urged, my hands gently removing his large ones from my forearms. He yanked his hands down at his sides, balling them up into fists.

"There you go, makin' me aggravated again!" he seethed, baring his teeth. He started growling at me. I went to argue against his anger, but he beat me to it. "Who are you?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, honestly confused.

"You're not the Mer I know. Where is she?"

"If you're talking about the improper one, she's not here anymore."

Pluto scoffed, rolling his eyes. He was down on the floor, nose on the ground and pacing on all fours.

"I ain't talkin' to ya until ya get 'er back," he notified childishly, scratching his ear with his foot. " 'Improper' Mer might've been a bit forward, but at least she never gave up so quickly. Like you."

That wounded me. Deeply. My vision was distorted and I didn't know why until Pluto stopped grooming himself to glance at me. The livid expression on his face dropped and he brought his arms around me, apologizing profusely.

Apparently, I was crying.

He pulled away from me, wiping my tears with the handkerchief from his breast pocket.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, Mer, but it's the truth," Pluto said, crouching down to his hunched position again. I looked behind me and Sebastian was nearby. "Don't lie t' yourself. You know where t' find me."

He scampered off behind me, barking happily as I wondered what I should do.

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><p><strong>AN: Wow, Pluto speaks. Who would've thought **_**that **_**was his ulterior motive? I know you can't tell now, but I'm actually laying out the plot for the upcoming ****The Sea and The Sky**** as I write this. Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter! Leave a Review! Six to go…I think.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.**

**Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Sorry for the wait; you know, life happened, and in between doing projects and drawing naked people, things get pretty busy.**

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><p><strong>XIII. The Baker, Very Lucky<strong>

I had quite the dream that night, and for the sake of not awakening my inner pervert, I shall not recall every detail. Let's just say that the events within my dream were very improper and it would be just plain rude to mention them in the company of such an esteemed audience as yourself. Which brings me to this question: Why was it so easy to forget a dream you really wanted to remember, but when it came to the one you wanted to remember, it was very simple to forget?

As I dressed in front of the vanity and ignored Maylene's light snoring, it was hard to not think about my possible psychosis. I had plenty reason to believe that I was slowly losing my senses. My eyes saw Sebastian behind me, ears hearing him whisper sweet nothings into them. I felt the faint tickle of his breath ghost across my cheek…

I shook my head frantically. Stop it, Mer! That dream was a fantasy illustrated by your inner pervert's childish mindset. It would never happen, and I shouldn't expect it to! Even though that was what Sebastian seemed to want from me, I'd never give it to him…no matter how hard I'd fallen for him.

"_That's where you're mistaken. Mer's soul might not be marked as my territory, but as long as she remains in my sight, she still belongs to me," Sebastian declared tauntingly, gently clutching my shoulders. He lowered his face next to mine and dragged his tongue up my cheek. "Her heart, her mind, and eventually…her body."_

My mind brought up one of my last moments as an arrogant child, the memory of the butler's words bringing heat to my cheeks. There was a part of me that believed that what he said was just for show, an excuse to brag in front of Claude Faustus. He didn't seem to like the other demonic butler, saying that the imposter had resorted to the tactics of a common burglar before.

But had he meant what he said?

The second part of me, more dominant than the last, had asked that question many times before. Few other females would stop and consider this for themselves prior to tearing Sebastian's clothes off his lean body. Great. Now, the image of his half-naked body was standing behind me, smirking playfully and taunting me with his "I-bet-you've-never-lusted-after-for-a-figment-of-your-imagination-so-hard-before-now"grin.

A yawn thankfully broke through my psychosis. Maylene was awake, faulty glasses already placed on the bridge of her nose. She was such a weird woman.

"Good morning, Mer!" she cheerfully greeted, then blushed at my somewhat exposed figure. "O-Oh, I'm sorry!"

I was so distracted, I didn't even notice that I had barely put on my corset. I quickly dressed, not really caring that she inadvertently took a look at my practically non-existent chest. Elizabeth had more figure than me. I wondered absentmindedly if the reason behind my not caring was because it wasn't Sebastian who stole a glimpse at me. I sighed.

"You can look now, Maylene. I apologize for not going to a more private place," I said to the maid, who still hid her head hidden underneath her sheets. I didn't bother waiting for her to surface. Instead, I headed out in the hall. Before I could get any more to mull over my current circumstances, I was on my back-hell, I guess I could say for old times' sake-and not even in a way I'd like.

Pluto's eyes were bright-no, they were actually dull, this time. He whimpered nonstop, nuzzling his nose into the crook of my neck. What had happened to him?

"Pluto," I cooed, running my fingers through his shaggy hair. "What's wrong?"

"Y-Your brother t-tried t' pet me!" he almost bawled, holding onto my shoulders. Oh, so Creux was here. I bet he was back to being mean again once I had failed him in conquering Sebastian. I pried the dog-man away from me, soothingly rubbing circles in his back. He calmed himself as I stood on my feet. I traveled the rest of the hallway and went down the stairs.

"Ah, very good to see you again, Sebastian," I heard Creux say, unabashed at the casual flirtatious edge his voice gave. "I assume that the Young Master is asleep, so I'll let you pass this message to him. Is this acceptable?"

"That is fine," the butler replied.

"Well, my father wishes for Mer to end her stay at the Phantomhive Manor in five days."

"I apologize for prying, Lord Sullivan, but what is the reason behind Mer's sudden withdrawal?" Sebastian asked, with just as much curiosity as I had.

"My father is a heartbroken man, Sebastian. It hurts him to know that he had let money get in the way of seeing his daughter," my brother explained, much dramatics put behind his words.

My father being a "heartbroken" man was only half-right. He had been heart_less. _I mean, anyone who would force their daughter to reimburse their amount of shame felt at a family function could be considered that, right? Other than ridiculous.

"Thank you, Lord Sullivan. I shall give your sister this message as soon as possible," Sebastian said, bowing his head slightly as Creux let himself out. He closed the door, turning in my direction. "I trust you heard that, Miss Sullivan."

I guess I couldn't hide from a demon. I freed the tension from my body, relaxing my shoulders as I approached. I kept a healthy distance between us.

"Yes, I did. My father isn't the type to admit he is wrong, Mr. Sebastian," I said to the butler, wringing my hands together in a nervous habit.

"There is a first time for everything," the black-haired man answered, smiling slightly. He started following me as I walked to the courtyard. "His daughter ought to know that."

Something in me snapped. I whirled around furiously, staring up at Sebastian with angry eyes. I just couldn't take him…_stringing me along _like this. It was driving me crazy, not being able to win an argument against myself! I was going to get to the bottom of his behavior, hoping that this would be my first and last confrontation with this man.

"Mr. Sebastian, just _what _do you want from me? Is there something I should want from you?" I questioned relentlessly, a hissing fury in my voice that only seemed to amuse the demon even further.

"I have nothing to offer you, Mer," Sebastian argued silkily, stroking my face with the back of his gloved palm. I knocked it away, ignoring the inner pervert that screamed at me for my seemingly "stupid" action.

"Yes, you do," I hastily replied, causing the butler to sigh. He worked the bridge of his nose, as if he had a developing headache. He took my by the hand, mistaking what my words were really implying and that angered me even more. I snatched it from him. I know what you're thinking: "C'mon, Mer! It's Sebastian! If you don't take him, _I _will!"

First of all, don't you think I know that! I'm suffering here, constantly arguing with myself ever since my choice to give up my usually dogged way of pursuing the man I thought I had a chance to be with. I…wouldn't feel right taking his offer. Yes, leave it to the perverted baker girl to have morals.

"That…is not what I want," I (painfully) admitted. There was a shocked look on his face, like it was pure blasphemy to refuse a custom-made Sebastian-bashing. I guess he wouldn't be used to anyone resisting him.

"Then…what do you want?" he interrogated, perplexed.

"An explanation…why do you torture me like this, Sebastian? With your act? You didn't bat an eye at me when I was more…forward," I censored. "Did you really mean what you said that day when we were investigating that case?"

A moment passed, prior to Sebastian responding.

"I can assure you that it was no act, Mer. I am very sure in my abilities as a servant to my master. However, when it comes to actually pursuing those I have a specific interest in, I am forced to explore past my usual means…"

"Try being more simple," I said, trying to decipher the somewhat vague answer.

His grin was teasing. "Humans are interesting, even in routine. You pursuing me was a part of your routine, often clashing with my duties as a butler. I thought that if I ignored your advances, you'd go away." At my traitorous face's wince, he chuckled.

"But you had far much tenacity than any human I'd ever met, beside that of my Young Master's. To make things more interesting, I started to reciprocate your behavior. Unfortunately, you chose to start avoiding me, instead of give in, like most human women tend to do. Usually, when that happens, their feelings seem to disappear and I am content with that. Obviously, you were different, and I must say that making a demon fall for you in turn is something I…respect."

His gaze was positively honest, if not a bit mischievous. I couldn't believe what I had heard. Sebastian…falling for _me? _The inner pervert scoffed, as if to growl _It was _that _simple! _Well, it took me almost questioning my sanity, but I felt very accomplished. The butler and the baker…hmm, a very good story title if I do say so myself.

I cleared my throat to stop the cry of joy from escaping my lips. So Sebastian fell for me because I had stopped falling for him? Or it was interesting that I rejected his amorous advances? Whatever the case, I was glad to get things "cleared up." To be honest, I was more confused now than I had been earlier.

"I know that you're mostly devoted to the Young Master, so you can act whichever way you see fit towards me to continue making things…interesting for yourself," I allowed, glancing at my feet. Even though it was a whole lot creepier when he came onto me, it made him happy, right? My butler-wow, it's actually been a while since I last said that-smiled, holding out his hand. I took it, thinking that he wanted to shake on our agreement. He brought my hand to his lips, kissing it.

"Remember: there is no going back, my dear," he crooned cryptically.

"Why do you say that?" My eyes went wide, seeing a familiar glow in his eyes.

"Because I'm one hell of a lover."

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><p><strong>AN: Aw, Lord! Hey, guys. There's a poll on my profile. Please vote! Review! **


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**XIV. The Baker, Observed**

It had happened again.

Maylene decided to feign sleep as she heard light footsteps approach her fellow co-worker's bed. They belonged to the baker girl, whom was still in her nightclothes. She looked as if she had been rundown with the stress of many tasks, her hair tousled in an unruly way and her face blotchy with red. The maid wondered absently if Pluto had anything to do with the short girl's state of disarray. The massive hound did have a habit of becoming too excited now and then, sometimes, transforming into that handsome form of his…

Feeling the blood rushing to her face. Maylene removed Pluto's human form from her mind and continued trying to decode her roommate's situation. Over the period of two evenings, Mer was sneaking out of their room. Her mood went from mildly depressed to slightly giddy, or lost in thought when she returned. The claret-haired woman struggled to understand what was going on, but she did not want to ask the baker girl directly. It would be quite rude of her.

The maid relaxed once she heard Mer's soft noises of slumber. A mystery had unfolded, and her curiosity was going to consume her if she did not try to solve it.

But…where to start?

When the sun rested on the horizon the next morning, Maylene (with a sense of duty that could rival most soldiers) gathered her co-workers, and told them of what had been transpiring.

"Maybe she's just going out for air," suggested Finni, green eyes twinkling under the brim of his hat. He was gardening earlier. That is, if you could call butchering every specimen of plant life that. He stroked his chin in contemplation as he brought his thumb and forefinger-stained with chlorophyll-to his chin. "She doesn't sleep well at night, sometimes."

"There ya go, Maylene. There's no mystery, 'ere!" Bardroy concluded, quick to shut the maid's hopes down. He scratched the back of his head distractedly. "Mer's probably havin' trouble sleepin' an' all!"

The bespectacled servant was swift to give her rebuttal, flailing her arms in a repetitive motion. "But she's been sleeping well now! I saw her; yes, I did!"

As Maylene resumed validating her reasons for wanting to launch a full-fledged investigation on Mer's suspicious behavior, she was oblivious to the cook and gardener's horrified expressions and sweat-covered foreheads. She only began to come to the conclusion that something was wrong when she felt a rather oppressive aura bear down on her back.

"I believe that idle chit-chat isn't on your agenda, you three," an elegant yet menacing voice reminded, turning the maid's stance rigid. She whirled around to see the calm fury Sebastian Michaelis was famous for, his maroon eyes critical and sharp.

"We're sorry, Mr. Sebastian, sir!" they all apologized frantically, as if their lives depended on it.

The butler simply nodded his head and went off to handle his own duties, leaving the servants in mutual confusion. Sebastian's usual tongue-lashings would last much more longer than that, jam-packed with all sorts of threats if he believed that the servants were negligent in their tasks. This only convinced Maylene that the butler was acting strange as well.

Just what was going on?

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><p>Finnian went back to his tasks in the yard. He was making some significant (yet destructive) progress when it came to his attention that Pluto had not come to greet him, yet. Setting down his shears, the green-eyed boy ran around the area. The large hound was not anywhere to be found until he saw Mer sitting down in her usual spot near the manor, humanized Pluto laying on her lap.<p>

"Plu-Plu?" Finnian almost called out, but decided against it. The baker was talking to him, and not in a way how ignorant people talked to the light-haired man. She seemed to be holding a conversation with him, like Finni himself would. Supposedly, he was the only one who knew that Pluto could talk. According to the scene before him, the baker was in on the secret, too.

The joy in the duo's features should not have worried the young man, however the bits of the conversation taking place did not help stifle the negative emotion blooming throughout his chest.

"Was everything to your liking last night?" Pluto was asking, eyes blinking bashfully. Mer giggled, becoming as red as his eye color before patting his head.

"Oh, Pluto…last night was so amazing," she replied dreamily. "I never thought that we'd end up so close_…_"

Pluto chuckled. "Even though you have to leave, I'm glad that your last days here won't be too miserable."

Finnian left the pair to their own devices, dragging himself back to his work.

It was early evening when Bardroy was preparing dinner for the sake of being able to work in the kitchen. Sebastian denied him his right to his beloved flamethrower previously, so he was kind of dreading the fact that he would have to actually wait on the food that he cooked.

Mer was nearby, and her presence was explained as mandatory by Sebastian's orders. The blue-eyed veteran was grateful, seeing as the baker did not treat like he was completely useless. She assisted him with the meal, whittling down his impatience by conversing with him. It was odd, Bardroy observed, that the girl sounded as if she was going to be departing soon. She did not even compliment him like she was wont to do. Not like the cook was full of himself, or anything.

"Mr. Bardroy?" the dark-haired girl called, her voice soft and seemingly preoccupied. The blond shook himself out of his thoughts and directed his attention at his younger co-worker.

"What is it, Mer?" he answered, honestly concerned. He was beginning to think that Maylene was right to suspect something going on with the baker. She was less chipper than normal, and if she suspected that he noticed, she would force it.

"Have you ever fallen in love?"

A light blush decorated the baker's peach-colored face. Bardroy was sure to have the same plaguing his own visage at the subject matter of the question. Blue eyes settling on everywhere else but Mer's flushing face, the cook rubbed at an invisible itch on the nape of his neck.

"A-A coupla times," he bashfully admitted. "Not really my strong suit. Why?"

Mer smiled gently. "Just wondering. You might want to get the Young Master's meal out."

Reminded of his task, Bardroy cursed and did as told. He sighed heavily, glad that he did not have to deal with Sebastian's scathing words on how he managed to-yet again-ruin another meal for the Earl.

When the time for dinner came, the three servants gathered together in the foyer. All had much to say in regards to Mer, so they had to restrain themselves when each of their mouths started running simultaneously. The two blonds were the loudest among them, and Maylene managed to quiet them down. She asked which one of the two had the most important information and Finnian volunteered.

The gardener knew he had to be careful with this tidbit, seeing that it would reveal a whole lot more than a forbidden love. He steadied himself and began to speak.

"W-Well," the boy stammered, "I saw Mer talking to Pluto, saying how 'last night was amazing' and never thinking that they would be 'so close.' Is that something?"

Maylene squawked, her face ablaze. Could it be that her original suspicion was correct? Imagining Mer and Pluto's human form together in _that _way was making her quite excited, a steady trail of blood leaking out of her nostrils.

"Anything else?" Bardroy queried, shaking his head at the maid's overactive imagination.

"I-I heard something about Mer leaving, as well. What did you hear, Bard?" prompted the gardener, tilting his head curiously at the blush dusting the older man's cheeks.

"She…asked me if I ever fell in love."

"Then that settles it, then!" declared Maylene. "Mer has fallen in love with Pluto! The Young Master must have caught wind of it and wants her gone from the manor!"

"Come now, Maylene! That's just ridiculous…and w-wrong! Besides, isn't Pluto a dog! That's bestiality!"

Finnian hummed in thought. "Bestiality? What's that?"

His older co-workers stiffened considerably. It was a simple question for them to answer, right? Approaching footsteps sabotaged the soiling of Finnian's innocence. They belonged to Mer. She smiled brightly at the trio, coming over to their circle of conspiracy.

"Good evening, you three," the brown-eyed girl greeted. "You all are always gossiping whenever I see you. What is the topic this time?"

The maid tittered nervously. "A-Ah, nothing in particular!"

"Just hangin' about," Bardroy supplied. Finnian said nothing, sending a strained smile towards the baker's direction.

"Oh…all right. I suppose I'll go out and get some supplies for the Young Master's dessert tomorrow."

Once the girl was out of earshot, Maylene whispered, "We've got to confront the Young Master about this."

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><p><strong>AN: Ah, so many misunderstandings! Review, please!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter! **

**A/N: Sorry for taking so long. You know…life happened. The third person serves a purpose, so sorry if you don't like this kind of thing. We'll get back to Mer next chapter!**

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><p><strong>XV. The Baker, Observed: Through the Young Master's Eyes<strong>

"Sebastian?"

"Yes, Young Master?"

"Do I have reason to suspect that you've been keeping secrets from me?"

For the past two days, Ciel Phantomhive believed that he was beginning to witness the end of his most trusted servant's perfection. Sebastian was not one to be unfocused for too long. Not for anyone. Not for any _thing_. Except by those infernal cats, the butler could not be swayed. No human, no matter how beautiful, no matter what they promised, could not persuade him from his duties as butler.

Then why, pray tell, did Sebastian seem so…distracted?

Ciel was an observant child. He could spot the small mistakes in his demonic caretaker's usually impeccable routine as if they were gaping holes. The young lord did not bother to complain about the black-clad demon's hesitation whenever the baker's name was brought up, or how he appeared to restrain the heated emotion in his eyes once she brought in the Earl's dessert.

"No, my lord," Sebastian answered smoothly, voice very controlled and calm. He directed his maroon eyes towards the one-eyed boy. "There is no room for such things in our agreement."

The Young Master's hand reached for the teacup seated in front of him on his desk. He guided it to his lips and sipped gingerly at the liquid inside. "Right."

A pregnant silence passed between the two. However, it did not last for long. What was supposed to be whispering cut through the oak of the study's doors, briefly interrupting Ciel's thoughts. Successfully interpreting the boy's irritable hand gesture, Sebastian walked over and opened the doors. They revealed the incompetent trio. Upon seeing the butler's patronizing glare, the three shivered involuntarily.

"What do you three require of the Young Master?" the short-haired butler inquired icily.

"I-It's regarding M-Mer, Mr. Sebastian, sir," stammered the maid, twiddling her fingers.

Ciel's concentration focused in on how the muscles of Sebastian's back twitched before saying, "Let them in, Sebastian."

A slightly noticeable hesitation. "As you wish."

The gardener, cook and maid scrambled in, the expressions of their face varying from urgent to worried. The Phantomhive figurehead could guess what they might want to ask of him, and was pretty certain that nothing could be done about lengthening Mer's stay at the manor-

"Master, we know what Mer has been doing, and we agree that it's improper," Bardroy said, "but there must be some way she could be punished without her leaving."

Maylene nodded her head furiously. "She's just a girl in love, yes, she is!"

Finnian seconded that statement, though not speaking too much on the subject.

The young Phantomhive let the entirety of his confusion show on his face. Just what in the Queen's name were they talking about? Mer? Doing something improper? He let his single blue eye wander on Sebastian, whose right eyebrow shot up to his hairline.

"What are you three simpletons talking about?" Ciel asked, setting his teacup aside. His appetite for it decreased now that this strange subject popped up.

"Mer and Plu-Plu," supplied the blond gardener. "Mer's in love with him, and that's the reason why she has to leave, right? That's why you're sending her away, isn't it, Master?"

"Are you insinuating that Miss Sullivan is in a relationship with that mongrel?"

Ciel could not decide what to be surprised at: the absurdity of what had just been said or the raw emotion in which his most trusted servant expressed when he said it. He chose to remain neutral at the moment, keeping silent to further probe the situation. There was only one conclusion he could reach that could explain why the demon was so sensitive to any subject matter that involved the baker.

She had something he wanted.

If he learned anything important about demons in his time with Sebastian, it would have to be that they were selfish beings that had no limits when it came to something they wanted to possess. Ciel could not deduce what his butler would want with Mer, but that unspecified detail was keeping him from his typical perfection, and he did not appreciate that. He needed his butler not to be caught up in trivial things like another servant.

"Finnian, what did you see that made you come to such a ridiculous conclusion?" interrogated the dark-haired lord, trying to figure out what drew such an implausible picture. The blond seemed lost in thought, lips poked out in a pout.

"Well…Mer was talking to Plu-Plu, telling him that 'last night was amazing' and never thinking that they'd 'be so close.'"

Ciel refused to let his blood crawl up to his face, intent on watching Sebastian's reaction. There was none he was looking for, so it was safe to say that he remembered to keep his emotions in check for reason that his master was an attentive one.

"Did you ever stop to think that she might have been speaking of someone else?" he informed. The trio hummed in contemplation, shifting nervously. "You're dismissed."

Quickly, the servants left their master with his butler, who began to notice the pensive look on the former's face.

"Young Master? Is there something you need?"

"Sebastian, this is an order: whatever dealings you have with Mer must not interfere with your duties as my butler. Understood?"

"Yes, my Lord."

Somewhere in the manor, there was a sneeze.

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><p><strong>AN: Wow, Ciel actually had some face time in this story. Back to Mer for the rest of the chapters. Then…back to my other story, Responsibilities, in which I'm starting to realize the absurdity of the situation I've put Sebastian in…but hey, it's hypothetical and I love writing him. **

**Review, please. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!**

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><p><strong>XVI. The Baker, Confused<strong>

There was someone in the manor that was speaking of me. How I knew? I was a adamant believer of that old superstition. The one that said if you sneezed, without the aid of an illness, it was because you were the subject of someone's conversation. I wondered briefly if it was one of my fellow co-workers. They've been acting very suspicious around me as of late, especially Maylene.

It would make sense that the maid would have her own suspicions of what I have been up to at night. Sebastian had told me of her previous occupation before her employment here at the manor. We had been talking during one of our evening patrols around the area, the night wind blowing strongly enough to disturb my hair from its usual braid.

"Maylene? A marksman?" I had said, failing to reign in my unruly tresses by just reaching behind my back. Sebastian deviously smirked at my attempts, stopping to watch my useless struggle. Looking like a fool in front of him, yet again, I had noticed. I had not able to halt the blood rushing to my face as my fingers found themselves tangled in my dark strands.

"Believe it or not, she was a very capable one, at that," he had praised, moving out of my sight. He was behind me, gently removing my fingers from my hair and loosening the rest of the braid. A smile tugged at my mouth once I felt his gloved fingers comb through the length of my hair. "Her sight is very sharp."

"Then why does she wear glasses?"

Sebastian began to slip into his moderate pace of walking again and I struggled to keep up, mentally cursing my height. The candelabra in his left hand glowed faintly as the wind tried in vain to extinguish the candles placed in it.

"Using her normal sight, Maylene can see up to two kilometers in front of her," the short-haired man informed, making me gasp in astonishment. That was an insane amount of distance! "The glasses are there to limit her sight, but that does not explain her obscene clumsiness."

I giggled. "So you're saying her clumsiness is just plain natural?"

"Precisely."

We had shared a comfortable silence, my eyes becoming pleased with the sight of the butler's back. We only had these moments to spend together, now that my father decided that he wanted me back at home. Even with the locking away of my inner pervert, my luck refused to change. Sebastian accepting being my lover could have not come at a worse possible time.

"Sebastian?" I called quietly.

"Yes, Mer?" he replied, turning his head to meet his eyes with mine.

"What, exactly, do you see in me?"

The candlelight danced within his amused eyes as he moved towards me, another mischievous smile curling his mouth. The space behind me was growing more limited while I stepped backwards. A small gasp escaped my mouth once my back greeted a marble pillar. The candelabra's candles extinguished, leaving us cloaked in darkness.

"I believe that I've already told you the answer to that, my dear," the butler whispered against my ear. I had no idea how I gathered the courage to speak in such a tone, what with my heart thundering so hard, but I had managed.

"Does the demon hate repeating himself to someone who is not his master?"

A light chuckle rumbled through his chest. "Might I remind you that with you, Miss Sullivan, I am simply one hell of a lover?"

The inner pervert rebelled, forcing her lips against that of Sebastian's.

A loud sigh interrupted the best part of my fond memory while I was on my way to the stairway in the foyer. It belonged to Finni, the gardener. He seemed a bit blue so I decided to ask what was wrong. However, I was not able to open my mouth because the blond ran at the sight of me. I ran after him, determined to figure out the reason behind his avoidance.

"Finni!" I cried, following him out into the yard. "What's wrong, Finni?"

"N-Nothing, Mer! Go on inside!" he responded quickly, trying urge me back inside.

"Finni, what's got you all upset? You can tell me."

The boy was still hesitant and I still did not know the reason behind the reluctance on his face. This was Finnian! He was always cheerful, eager to talk, and share what was on his mind. What could be troubling him? Was it possible that he heard that I was to be leaving in two days, now?

"Finnian…does it have to do with the fact that I'm leaving?" I asked. The blond refused to meet my concerned gaze, but nodded.

"The Master tried to convince me otherwise, but I wanna hear it from you, Mer," the green-eyed boy pleaded.

"What, Finnian?"

"I heard you and Pluto talking. Are you two really that close?"

It was then I realized what he was hinting at and I burst out laughing. This situation just proves that it does not help to eavesdrop on others' conversations. The boy seemed very confused at my laughter and I forced myself to stop for his sake.

"Finni, Plu and I aren't together!" I told him, and he immediately flushed.

"O-Oh! Then who were you talking about?"

I decided to tell him, only if he promised to keep it to himself. I could trust someone as sweet and innocent as Finni. I just hoped that I would be able to keep myself together once the time came for me to leave.

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><p><strong>AN: Mer, you can't leave! Two more chapters, two more days for Mer! Review, please!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!**

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><p><strong>XVII. The Baker, Thwarted <strong>

I've never thought I would feel this embarrassed since the whole incident that caused me to be in the Phantomhive Manor. My face was radiating heat, my heartbeat increasing. Even as I stood in a motionless shock, my mouth moved, trying to give an explanation as to why the object in his hands even existed. My eyes-blinking rapidly and unnecessarily-avoided his as I stuttered incomprehensively, drumming my fingers against my upper lip.

Oh, why did I choose not to put that dreaded thing under the bed?

I gathered enough courage to look at the butler. His eyes were unbiased as they swept over the pages and pages of salacious notes that concerned him. To my chagrin, he kept reading the foolish scrawl and I could swear that there was a gleam in his eye that meant he was amused. A whimper threatened to break past my lips, but I let it die in my throat and huffed softly. Index fingers touching in a nervous habit, I coughed lightly as Sebastian stopped his reading and focused his attention on me.

"I apologize that you had the dissatisfaction to read that, S-Sebastian," I managed to croak out, my voice timid. "But you must understand…that was back when I was, well-"

My apology must have been too long-winded for him because he casually stowed the book away underneath his vest and walked towards me, his gaze hypnotizing. It was too much for me to make eye contact with him so I turned my back to him, clasped hands pressed to my chin. I was half-expecting the demon to be true his nature and devour me for writing such ridiculously lewd things about him, but I realized I was mistaken when I felt his arms circle around my waist.

"No excuses, pet." His breath tickled my neck as he spoke, ghosting over my skin like a spider's web. He placed his lips gently against my pulse. "I'd rather much prefer that behavior when we're alone. It's endearing."

"Endearing?" I repeated, scoffing. "You deserve someone better than that."

The sound of his short laughter rumbled through my back. I silently enjoyed the sensation, but it was robbed from me when the demon turned me around. I glanced up, attracted to the magenta glow his eyes emitted.

"Is the human afraid to lay claim to what she so rightfully deserves?" Sebastian asked, his tone taunting. I huffed childishly, crossing my arms over my chest. "I long to see all those thoughts you wrote about me come to life. Or do I have to act on them myself?"

The butler's wandering hand caused me to jump out of my determined stance.

"You cheeky devil!" I exclaimed, smacking his hand away then becoming somber as I recalled something important. "But didn't you say that the Young Master ordered you away from me?"

"Not quite. He said that whatever dealings I had with you must not interfere with my duties as his butler," he explained, scooping me up into his arms and setting me down on his lap once he sat on a nearby bench in the yard. "In rough translation, that means that I can do what I wish with you, as long as it does not impair my ability to carry out my responsibilities."

"What you wish?" I parroted, blushing as his maroon eyes crinkled with a strange emotion I did not have the intelligence to name at the moment. "Don't I get a say?"

"Not a word," he whispered cryptically, kissing behind my ear as he ignored my cries of protest. I was trying to voice the concern of someone being able to see us. However, he kept shutting me up by distracting me with his dizzying kisses and teasing caresses. Before he could successfully manage to make me putty in his very much skillful hands, I allowed some of the inner pervert's expertise to aid me in retaliating Sebastian's actions.

"Ginger, why are you following me? Are you here for Mer, too?" a very familiar voice inquired. The butler obviously did not care for the intrusion, continuing on getting lost in passion as I instantly became mortified. That voice…! Where did I hear it before, and who did it belong to? Quickly (regrettably), I halted Sebastian's further teasing, removing myself from his lap.

"Did you hear that?" I hissed to him, keeping my voice low.

"It sounds like Lady Cornelius," Sebastian informed, sounding annoyed at the interruption. "She's brought company, as well. Unwanted company, to be precise." As I was just about to ask who else, another familiar voice-shrill and dramatic-answered my unvoiced question.

"Heavens, no! I'm here for my Bassy and nobody else~!" Grell Sutcliff answered. I was personally glad to hear that he was still pursuing Sebastian, especially after he had lectured me on how he was faithful to "his man." If you failed to do so, please observe the sarcasm.

Sebastian and I, after making ourselves presentable for our unexpected guests, stepped out of our obscure hiding place and greeted the pair. Naturally, Grell made a noise that was in between the range of a squeal and an orgasm and immediately tried to latch onto his object of affection. The butler swiftly dodged the tackle, leaving me to receive the full brunt of the redhead's unrequited love.

I was too stunned by the death god's strength to be disgusted enough to push him away, but strangely took the time to observe that he smelled like he used some fruit-scented perfume.

"You smell nice, Miss Grell," I complimented shakily, gingerly parting myself from his embrace. He made another one of those hard-to-identify noises; this time, it was between a repulsed groan and the sound a child makes after eating something not pleasing to the taste buds.

"Thank you," he replied rigidly, nearly shoving me away like an unwanted toy. I teetered, unstable for a moment before Sebastian steadied me by touching the underside of my forearm. I started to smile at him, then remembered that Lady Aubergine was present so I directed the smile at her.

"Lady Aubergine, how are you?" I welcomed, bowing my head slightly.

"I'm just fine. How has it been here?" she replied. I bit my lip. How was I supposed to tell my family's benefactor-namely the one who suggested me for this job-that my father decided that I was suddenly more important than his money? Luckily, Sebastian covered for me.

"Miss Sullivan has been an excellent co-worker at the manor, Lady Cornelius. The Young Master has taken a liking to her," he said to the purple-clad young woman, who nodded her head. She turned to see Grell's stiff posture and popped him on the back of the neck. He yelped, rubbing at the sensitive area and staring daggers at the offender.

"Don't look at me like that, Ginger."

"May I ask how you know Mr. Sutcliff, my lady?" Sebastian questioned.

"Oh, you could say that he's a very close friend," she responded vaguely, now patting the death god on the back-a casual gesture that was commonly shared between two people linked by camaraderie. Grell grimaced, grinding his shark-like teeth together. "What's the problem?"

"Are you blind, Ollie?" he growled, aiming his deadly green eyes at me. "This girl…I can smell Sebastian all over her!"

"And…?"

"And it's entirely unacceptable!"

Unacceptable? Just who was he to judge what was unacceptable when he was practically throwing himself on Sebastian? I struggled to keep my composure as the barrage of insults began to spew out of the raging redhead's mouth, even going so far as to grab at the hilt of the weapon I kept hidden on my person. My knuckles were turning white with restraint, the thought of seeing Grell choke on the shaft of my sword was strangely delighting. Sebastian must have sensed my anger because he put a reassuring hand upon my back.

"Mr. Sutcliff, if you are having a difficult time accepting my involvement with Mer, you surely won't be against a competition with her?" he suggested, glancing at me with a confident look that said, "I'm trusting you to destroy this gender-confused idiot."

Lady Aubergine chuckled, rubbing her hands together. "You mean a battle to see who's the best woman? That, my friend, is rich!"

Grell grinned predatorily, extending his hand. "Agreed. May the best woman win."

I returned the grin and shook his hand. "Likewise."

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><p><strong>AN: It is **_**on! **_**A battle begins next chapter and marks the end of this story. Review!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is **_**humor.**_** In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!**

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><p><strong>XVIII. The Baker, Fights to Win<strong>

"Now then, shall we begin, Mer?" the sultry voice of my butler asked, adding on to the nervousness I was already feeling. It was the day of the fight and he had blindfolded me, something I was not expecting out of him. Then again, he was always full of surprises. Even so, it did not stop my curiosity. I asked him why a blindfold was needed for this situation.

"Having your sight available to you would ruin the experience," he answered, voice smooth and unfaltering as he tightened the black cloth over my eyes. "Also, it will be twice as interesting."

"I never knew that you would be so interested in my safety, Sebastian," I replied sarcastically. Going up against a death god with a multi-bladed, whirring contraption was definitely dangerous enough. However, trying to fend him off while blindfolded was a whole other level of peril. I did have to open my big mouth when Sebastian confessed, did I not?

"I know that you're mostly devoted to the Young Master, so you can act whichever way you see fit towards me to continue making things…interesting for yourself," I had said. If only I had known that those words would come into effect in such a strange way. Sebastian deserved a woman who was willing to fight for his love. I suppose that could be true, considering that he was a fan of hard work and would gladly cater to whomever was lucky enough to possess whatever qualities he liked.

"You'll be fine, pet. Mr. Sutcliff's sight is as limited as yours, if you're worried."

Sebastian was counting on me to win this, even though I was sure that there was an increased chance of me failing this battle and possibly, forfeiting my life. I had faith in him, though-despite the irony in that statement. He would have not let me accept this challenge if he thought I could not succeed. I would definitely have to defeat the tramp who first laid claim to him, blind. If that redheaded rapscallion Grell Sutcliff won by some twisted fate, I would probably be forced to watch him molest Sebastian from beyond the mortal coil. Who knows? If I managed to still be alive, I would possibly die from the very thought of them being improper in _my _bed…

"Humph! Bassy is as good as mine if it's that pushy blueberry of a girl!" boasted the evil ginger. I knew there had to be a reason why I did not like him one bit.

"I'm afraid that the trouncing you're hoping to get isn't what I have in store, you harpy harlot!" I challenged harshly.

"Ooh, what did you say, you wanton wench!"

"Now, now," soothed Sebastian's voice, still close to me. "Save all that vigor for the actual fight. I wish you both the best of luck…mostly to the lady whose tenacity is unrivaled."

"Why, thank you, Sebastian~!" crowed the annoying death god. I did not waste my breath to dignify that with a reply. In the distance, I heard Lady Aubergine's voice. She wanted to be present, claiming that she was a sucker for battles to the death.

"How 'bout a good luck kiss before they start, Sebastian?" she suggested, making my hair stand on end. No! Definitely not! I did not want his lips to be defiled by that gender-confused simpleton's foul skin.

"There's no harm in that, is there? Excellent suggestion, Lady Cornelius," the butler praised. WHAT! I refused not being able to witness this. I lifted my blindfold a bit, only to feel Sebastian's hand on my wrist. "No peeking," he lightly chastised, winking at me. Just what was he up to? He lowered my blindfold back in place, tapping me on the nose. I heard his footsteps as they traveled in my opponent's direction. I cringed as he squealed in anticipation.

I tilted my blindfold again. Was he actually…? I watched as the black-haired butler leant towards Grell and gave the wild death god a kiss. No, those chocolate candies that come in the silver wrapper. I heaved a giant sigh of relief.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this!" the self-proclaimed woman shrieked, stomping his foot.

"Surely, you know how to enjoy a delicacy such as candy, Mr. Sutcliff? Just put it in your mouth and eat it," explained my clever co-worker. Lady Aubergine laughed until I was sure she was going to die from suffocation. It was when Sebastian turned away from the angry diva that I decided to put my blindfold back on. Soon enough, I felt his hands on my shoulders as he gave me a real kiss. It was more incapacitating than empowering, but I was able to gain a strange strength from it.

"That was…powerful," I said, smirking when Grell let out a jealous cry.

"You don't even know the half of it," he replied suggestively.

The wind blew. It carried the scent of Grell's sickeningly sweet perfume and the sound of his Death Scythe. The battle started before I even realized. I brought out my sword to defend myself against the coming blow and braced myself for an impact that did not even happen. I cursed, trying to decipher which direction the death god was coming from. The whirring of his weapon seemed far off in the distance. Not from the left. Not from the right, the front or behind me.

It was above.

I thrust my sword upwards to counter the attack and I came to the conclusion that it was a foolish action on my part as my back met with the earth. The sound of the grinding of metal against metal ripped through the air while I struggled against the weight of my opponent combined with that of his weapon. Luckily, he relented once I aimed a kick to what I thought was his groin. Sadly, I was mistaken.

"How dare you hit my face!" he cried, revving the scythe up for another attack. I managed to get myself off of the ground, preparing myself once again. The battle fell into a familiar pattern I began to predict: Grell would charge at me, hell-bent on trying to cut my face to ribbons, I would dodge and try to get in a nice attack to fend him off. Things got even more serious once my sword finally snapped under the pressure of his scythe.

I cursed, rolling away in time to avoid its spinning blades. My sword proved its durability during the course of the fight, and I could only curse every time I tried to find a weapon on my person sufficient enough to take on a flailing mad death god. As I frantically searched, Grell cackled and continued his rapid assault. I kept on the defensive, though it did not save me from being unscathed. My arms were probably covered with cuts and gashes from when I nearly avoided being chopped to bits.

Suddenly, the whirring of Grell's weapon ceased.

He must have come to the conclusion that the sound of his weapon was easy to track. Impossibly, my heart started picking up speed. Where was he now? I was sure to keep myself from moving, so my ears would not be distracted by any other noises being made. Abruptly, the revving returned. It seemed to be coming from in front of me, so I jogged backwards…into someone's chest.

"Got you~!" sang Grell's voice, the blade of his weapon touching my neck. As soon as I thought my death was nigh, my soon-to-be murderer wailed. A puncturing noise was heard and I was sure that another presence has made itself known. "W-Will!"

Glad for the interruption, I removed my blindfold and saw a man that held a vague resemblance to someone I would rather forget.

"Honestly, I don't know why you sound surprised, Sutcliff," droned the brunet man, adjusting his glasses with what looked like shears. "You've been neglecting your work, as usual, and for what? Fighting a human girl, with demon stink on her?"

"Come to join the festivities, Mr. Spears?" asked Sebastian, suddenly at my side. Spears scoffed at the sarcastic accusation, his green eyes refusing to meet the eyes of his interrogator.

"Please," he huffed, grabbing Grell by the collar. "Overtime, Sutcliff. Come with me."

"But WILL~" whined the overgrown toddler. Feeling a bit childish myself, I stuck my tongue out at him as his wrangler dragged him back to whence he came. Sebastian rose an eyebrow at my behavior and I smiled bashfully, then realized I had no cause to celebrate.

"Technically, Grell won. So does this mean I won't-"

"Don't be ridiculous. Regardless of how this would have turned out, I would still do whatever I wish to you," assured the demon.

"Because you're one hell of a lover?"

Chuckling, Sebastian shook his head. "Because you're one hell of a treat."


End file.
